


Blurred Vision

by plasticlizard022



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes is thirsty af, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Horny Bucky Barnes, In Vino Veritas, Masturbation Interruptus, Nipple Licking, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oral Sex, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Vaginal Fingering, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:09:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26418493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticlizard022/pseuds/plasticlizard022
Summary: They say ignorance is bliss but your ignorance is killing Bucky since he's too bashful to admit how he feels about you.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 59
Kudos: 236





	1. Love at First Sight

**Author's Note:**

> There will be some smut at some point, but I really am a slut for true slow burn (and lots of angst/fluff before getting there) so stick around if you're in for the long haul. I promise it'll be worth it :)

“I’m (Y/N) by the way,” you smiled and reached across the table, basically standing on your chair just so you could reach all the way across, to shake his hand. “I mean you probably know that already but now we’ve officially met.”

“Bucky,” he replied and took your hand into his own. It felt so small and warm in his grip and he made sure he didn’t shake too hard lest he break the bones in your fingers. His eyes trailed from the handshake up to your eyes. From that very moment, he was lovestruck. There was such an innocent twinkle in them that made his heart fall deep into the pit of his stomach. 

“Well, Bucky, if you need anything just give me a shout,” you genuinely offered before excusing yourself. That meeting had gone pretty well. It wasn’t often that someone new was introduced into the team and, all things considered, it wasn’t usually a notorious assassin. But everyone deserved a second-chance and you weren’t quick to judge - especially considering his unique circumstance. 

Bucky watched you walk away and sank deeper into his chair. You had stayed behind after everyone else had met just to formally introduce yourself to him - him, of all people! He was just a screwed-up shell of a man and you were some heavenly goddess that surely was sent down to either bless or torment him. Time would tell even if the feeling in his gut told him now it would be the latter. 

“Didn’t expect to bump into you again so soon,” you chuckled. It seemed that the both of you had the same thought in mind after parting ways: head to the gym. Bucky tried not to stare but it was hard for him not to take in the way your leggings hugged your thighs and curved around the shape of your ass. His eyes flickered across the bare skin that peeked between your leggings and sports bra; he managed not to stare at your breasts that he knew would cup perfectly in his hands. 

“You want to box or race or something?” you asked. Friendly competition was always good but, more than that, you needed a lot of practice because you were a complete mess in the field when it came to combat. Sparring with the Winter Soldier would be great practice. 

“You know what,” Bucky cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head, watching as you moved deeper into the gym and sat down to stretch, “it’s been a long day and I think I’m going to call it a night.” He just needed a cold shower to completely calm himself down. What had gotten into him?! Sure, it was incredibly hot watching your body bend over as you grabbed your toes. But he just met you and his life was far from put together. The last thing he needed was one more complication. He just hadn’t gotten laid in ages; that was all! A quick self-help in the shower would set him straight.

You raised your eyebrow curiously but didn’t question it. His day probably had been quite long and stressful. Maybe he had just been touring the place and didn’t have any intention of working out in the first place. “Well, you know where to find me should you change your mind,” you grinned. He offered a grin in return, though his was far more awkward and uncomfortable, before he quickly ducked out of there. 

He moved, perhaps too quickly, past Sam in the hall. Sam scrunched his eyebrows together and decided to spin on his heels to chase after his new best friend’s old best friend. It wasn’t that he felt threatened or jealous by having Bucky around, but he was just protective of Steve. “What’s got you in such a hurry?” Sam asked, chasing him down. 

Bucky slowed his pace and exhaled deeply. This wasn’t what he needed to deal with now - more of Sam’s shit. “None of your business,” he frowned. What was he supposed to say? That he hadn’t even been part of the team for one day and he already had the hots for a team member? 

That answer wasn’t going to cut it. So Sam followed Bucky all the way back to his room, much to his annoyance. “You’re going to tell me what’s up because I don’t need you snooping around or causing trouble. I need to know you’ve really gone straight,” Sam stated and crossed his arms. Bucky tried to close the door but Sam was in the doorway. 

He rolled his tongue over the front of his teeth. Sam just shrugged because he wasn’t going anywhere until he was positive that Bucky wasn’t running away from some bomb he had planted or something. So Bucky caved. “What’s the deal with (Y/N)?” he asked Sam. Maybe Sam could reveal that you were a lesbian or something so he could more easily get over his attraction to you. 

“(Y/N)?” Sam raised his eyebrow. Out of all the things to come out of his mouth, your name hadn’t been near the top of the list - hell, it hadn’t been on his list at all! “You’ve got a problem with (Y/N)?” Sam couldn’t think of one person who had an issue with you beyond the baddies that usually didn’t have a preference for anyone. 

Bucky sat on the edge of his bed and shook his head. “No, I’m just asking what her deal is. Why’s she on the team? A person like her surely can’t survive in this kind of life,” he pointed out. In the two very brief conversations he had had with you, he had rightfully deduced that you were perhaps the sweetest human being on the earth. You seemed genuine and kind. Even Steve had a sort of edge but you seemed soft and smooth around every corner. 

“You don’t know? She’s all juiced up on that superhuman formula or whatever shit it was that made you and Steve all beefy,” Sam attempted to answer but he didn’t know that much about it. All he was certain of, was that you were a lot stronger and faster than you looked. 

Bucky perked up, like a curious puppy hearing a whistle. “She took the super soldier serum? How did she get a hold of that?” he asked. The serum and machine that made Steve strong had been destroyed back in the forties. Bucky became what he is today through years of experimentation. So what had given you your power?

“Look, man, why don’t you just ask her,” Sam sighed. That was, at least he thought, the most obvious answer. Just go to the source. But clearly you - as soft and sweet as a doe - were someone he didn’t feel comfortable approaching. . . for whatever reason; Sam didn’t know and couldn’t guess. “But if I find out you went near her and hurt her in any way, I’ll break all of your bones. You hear me?”

Bucky just furrowed his brow and held his hands out defensively. Why in the world would he ever hurt you?! Had he given off that impression? Oh God, now he was worried that if he gave Sam that impression that he had passed it off onto you as well. He prayed and prayed that you weren’t afraid of him. “Why the hell would I ever touch her? I just wanted to know what her deal was,” Bucky defended himself. 

Sam only shrugged. “I’m just making sure you know that. She is soft. You’re not. You’ll have the entire team on your ass if you do anything to her,” he assured Bucky. Buck still wasn’t even sure what he did to deserve this threat but at least it seemed like Sam had said all he needed to. Bucky locked the door after watching Sam retreat down the hall. 

Bucky fell back on his bed and put a hand over his face. He wasn’t sure whether he should be worried about hurting you since Sam made it seem like it would be so easy to do or if he should devote his attention to figuring out how you got the super soldier serum. At least that explained why you looked so damn fine in the gym. He regretted not staying and taking you up on your offer to workout with you; then he could’ve really seen the extent of your strength. 

His mind began to wander but before he let it get too far off the beaten trail, he ducked into a cold shower. It wasn’t difficult for him to get it up but it was difficult for him to be respectful enough not to picture you. So, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and conjured up an image of pinup girls, Judy Garland, and Katharine Hepburn; all ladies that were more appropriate for him to get off to. 

And once that was done, he found that you weren’t quite so wrapped around his mind. It was a shameful thing to admit, even to himself, but he must’ve just been ridiculously horny and you, being as stunning and divine as you were, just got him riled up. It was better for everyone that he got over that as quickly as he did. Nothing was worse for a team than a romance. Not only that, but he didn’t want to burden you. He came with enough baggage to weigh down a plane and it wouldn’t be unfair of him to shoulder any of that weight off onto anyone else. 

To his relief, when he dozed off, he found that his dreams, albeit not pleasant, were not inappropriate either. No wet dreams from this old soldier. 

He still felt awkward - a feeling not unusual considering how new he was and how he’d attempted to kill half of the people that were now on his team - so he tried to sneak into the kitchen to grab a coffee before anyone else woke up. Then he could sneak off without having to try surviving any small talk. 

“Well, looks like I’m not the only early bird,” you smiled, looking over at Bucky who was already fully dressed (because he hadn’t changed into pajamas before he fell asleep). “You might even have me beat!” You were in athletic shorts that just managed to cover up the hem of your panties and a tank top that did little to hide your nipples poking through. 

Bucky barely made it onto one of the stools at the island. You poured him a coffee without asking and slid the mug in front of him. He took it in his hands and stared straight into the dark liquid because if his attention shifted at all then they would move to your nipples. “Cream or sugar?” you asked, sipping on your own mug. 

“No, black is fine,” Bucky managed after clearing his throat. “Thanks,” he added. Turns out that not having a wet dream about you didn’t signify that he had moved on. Just one glimpse of you and he was smitten as a schoolgirl. He was in a lot of trouble.


	2. Every Time We Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Working out got him hot, but being in there at the same time as you gets him all bothered.

Bucky couldn’t avoid you forever and he didn’t want to give off the impression that he was purposefully avoiding you lest he hurt your feelings. So the next time he strolled into the gym and found that you were already in there, dripping sweat and wailing on a punching bag, he decided to stay. 

Your back was turned to him and you had earbuds in so you didn’t notice another presence join you in the large gym. While your form wasn’t the greatest, you sure packed a lot of power behind each punch. The bag swung heavily against each hit that you delivered. 

Buck realized that he had been staring at you again. He was just fortunate that no one caught him. How could he not stare though? Your body was just perfect and with the added sweat from working out, his mind wandered to places it shouldn’t. A small part of him wanted to move up behind you and give you the best kind of cardio exercise that two people could do together. He shook his head. That would be inappropriate for so many reasons. 

Maybe your old offer to spar or race was still valid. He wasn’t yet ready to take you up on your offer to spar, though, because that would be a lot of physical contact that would surely result in his body involuntarily embarrassing him. He almost embarrassed himself just by stepping into the gym. So he just settled for lifting weights while mentally berating himself for the debauchery.

You eventually moved your way over to where he was and leaned against the wall, earbuds around your neck and a water bottle in hand. “Didn’t see you come in. Need a spotter?” you asked with a smile. His heart began to beat rapidly at the sound of your voice and it kicked into an even higher gear when he laid eyes upon you. 

“You sure you can spot for me?” Bucky asked. He didn’t mean to second-guess your strength but you just seemed so dainty. It was an image he had a hard time shaking even with the knowledge that you had the super soldier serum in your veins.

Because he was far from the first person to underestimate your power, you didn’t take it to heart. “Absolutely positive.” You were deceptively strong. So you moved behind him and watched him lift incredible weights. Turned out that he didn’t need you to spot him but you liked to offer for the peace of mind anyway. You usually spotted for Sam (and vice versa) anyway. 

Bucky could’ve lifted more than twice than what he was lifting had he not been so distracted. At the angle he was at, he got a pretty great view of your breasts and he was obviously aware of how close he was to your crotch. So his focus was not on how much he was able to lift above his head and, instead, was on controlling the urge to reach over and wrap his hands around your strong thighs. He sat the weights down and cleared his throat. “Thanks.” 

“No need to thank me. I just stood there,” you chuckled. Watching him lift had given you the chance to cool off which was what you needed. “You want to spar? Natasha’s been trying to teach me hand-to-hand but I’m still pretty terrible at it.” You worked on tucking away the strands of hair that had come undone before rolling into the boxing ring. 

Bucky sighed quietly because it didn’t appear that ‘no’ was an answer; you were already waiting for him. This was surely not going to end well. He’d have to make sure that he didn’t allow it to go too far and that he touched you as little as possible.

You bounced back and forth on your toes as he made his way into the ring. He was clearly tense and uncomfortable with the idea of throwing punches at you. “I can take a few hits,” you assured him. “Besides, that’s the best way to learn right? By getting knocked down.”

“I’ll still take it easy on you, kid,” Bucky said. He could never forgive himself if he gave you even a bruise. And who was to say that he wouldn’t feel the full wrath of the Avengers should he be too rough on you - even at your own request. 

You sighed - the first negative emotion he had seen you express since he had gotten here. “I’ll never learn then. Come on, you were a master assassin. Teach me how to fight,” you begged him. 

Bucky clenched his jaw but, because you had asked, he wouldn’t hold back. . . at least not completely. He let you make the first move and that was all he needed to see just how inexperienced you were. You had heart and gusto; you weren’t completely hopeless and would probably survive in a fistfight against nobodies but you weren’t in the business of fighting nobodies. Should you go against anyone with any experience, you’d be pummeled into the ground. 

He swung but only with his right hand. “I’m not scared of your metal arm,” you promised him. It was just a prosthetic! He needed to come at you with both arms if you were going to get any real practice. Bucky just shook his head. It wasn’t you that was scared; it was him. Until he felt like he had full control of himself, he didn’t want to throw in this dangerous variable. 

Since it was clear that talking about his metal arm made him uncomfortable, you didn’t push him any further. “Alright, well. . . just tell me how to improve,” you said and came at him again. Bucky gave you a couple pointers that you listened to carefully. You were a quick learner and practice was certainly helping you make it perfect. 

Because he was unwilling to use his left arm and because he was trying to take it a little easier on you, you were able to get him off his feet and pin him to the ground. Your left forearm was pressed to chest and your right hand kept his left wrist pinned by his head. You breathed heavily and smiled down at him. “You’re going to have to stop taking it easy on me! Or you’ll always lose,” you laughed.

This was quite the pickle he was in. Bucky controlled his breathing, keeping it slow and steady and even. This was not the best position for him to be in considering he was very attracted to you. It was easy to imagine you in this same position just in a different circumstance. He cleared his throat because, even though he was doing a piss-poor job of it, he was trying to give you the respect of not wondering what your naked body would feel like pressed against his or what your lips would taste like. 

To his relief, you rolled off just in time. He sat up and adjusted his pants as discreetly as possible. Having you on top of him, sweaty and hot, was doing nothing to help him with his crush. “Well, you need to get a little better or I’ll completely demolish you,” he replied and closed his eyes. He pictured sewer rats and baseball and war to kill the boner threatening to further rise in his pants. 

“I’ll take that as a challenge,” you smirked and rolled out of the ring to get some more water. “Next time… next time, I’ll be better so you won’t have to hold back so much.” That had been good for you. You felt slightly more prepared to get into a fight - though you weren’t actively searching for one. There was still so much for you to learn and there was a lot of room for you to grow. But with Natasha’s help, and now Bucky’s, you felt like you’d get to a more confident place much faster. 

You tossed a water bottle into the ring and Bucky caught it with his left hand. “Next time you’ll have to show me what that left hand can do,” you added before sauntering out of the gym. Bucky slammed his head back against the ring, feeling that excitement rise in his pants again anyway. Why did you have to phrase it like that? Why did he have to take your innocence and turn it into something more? 

Bucky would love to show you just what the left hand could do. It could curl around your breast and pinch at your stiff nipples. It could dip between your legs and move between your soft, rosy folds. It could - No! Just one more thought and no amount of mental images of baseball could knock down the tent that would pitch in his pants. What his hand did end up doing was pressing down on his crotch until he calmed down enough to leave the gym without embarrassing himself. 

As he stepped out of the gym, he bumped straight into you. In that one split second where your bodies touched, every inch of his skin seemed to catch fire. Reflexively, he caught you by the arms to keep you from falling backwards onto your ass. Your skin was soft and still warm from the physical exertion. 

You blushed and laughed bashfully. “I’m so sorry. I forgot my earbuds in here. Should’ve watched where I was going,” you explained quickly. You looked up at him expectantly and it took a moment for him to realize it was because he was still holding onto your arms. Bucky quickly let go of you and watched you snatch up your headphones before catching back up to him. 

“I’m seriously starving,” you groaned playfully and stayed by his side as he moved down the hallway. He jammed his hands into his pocket, his palms still tingly just from touching you for that moment. “If I order a pizza would you eat any?” 

“What? Oh… yeah, I guess I could eat,” Bucky muttered and stared ahead. Normally working out also made him hungry, just as it had clearly made you hungry. But right now, the butterflies in his stomach were completely killing his appetite. He would be a fool to deny spending just another moment with you though, wouldn’t he? Or maybe it would be better if he distanced himself from you until he learned to better control his urges and dirty thoughts. 

Regardless of what was best, he had already agreed to split a pizza with you. “Cool. Well, I’ll order one and take a shower. Should be ready by the time I get out. Meet you in the kitchen?” you rambled quickly. Sometimes you spoke a little too quickly. But because Bucky hung onto every word you said, he didn’t miss a thing. 

He nodded and the two of you split ways for just a moment. Another cold shower would do him some good too. Unfortunately, now he had the image of you in the shower all wet and sudsy. When he got to his room, he faceplanted onto his bed. “I’m in serious trouble,” he groaned into his pillow.


	3. Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns how you got your power and learns that his crush on you isn't as secret as he had hoped.

“So Sam was saying something about the super soldier serum. How’d you get your hands on that?” Bucky finally asked. Having dinner with you was far more manageable than he had been expecting. Turns out that when you weren’t in tight leggings and pressing up against him, his urges to bend you over weren’t half as strong. 

The two of you had torn apart a pizza and now you sipped on water since there wasn’t a point in drinking beer - neither of you could get buzzed off of it anyway. Since this was casual, you had led him into the living area so you could recline on the couch instead of sitting in one of those stuffy dining chairs. “I didn’t ‘get my hands on it’,” you corrected him. “I synthesized it.” 

Bucky furrowed his brow. You had recreated the formula? And you were so casual about it! “Why are you looking at me like that?” you laughed. “You know I have three PhDs, right?” He blinked rapidly again. This was a lot of new information for him to process that he felt like he should’ve known already. So you had the body of a goddess and the mind of a genius. Could you be any more perfect?

“But how did you do it?” Bucky asked. All of Erskine’s work had supposedly been destroyed decades ago. Even Bucky hadn’t been subject to the original serum and instead endured lots of painful experimentations over the course of years. 

“Kind of a long story. I won’t bore you with all of the little details but I studied vita radiation for years. Got my hands on Nitramene and managed to not explode while dissecting its properties. Working on the formula was a little more difficult but I’m far from the first person to attempt that. I mean, just look at Banner,” you summarized. 

Bruce became the Hulk because General Ross commissioned him to work on recreating the original experiment done on Steve but with gamma radiation. He was on the right track but it was the wrong kind of radiation. After Bruce’s experiments failed and he became the Hulk, you were contacted a few years later because of your knowledge in vita radiation. The rest was history. 

“Well what happened to the formula?” Bucky asked. If you had figured out how to make super soldiers, why weren’t there more of them? In fact, it was odd that he had never heard of you before this because you and your project seemed like something Hydra would’ve been interested in. 

“I destroyed it,” you stated simply and took the last piece of pizza. “Turns out there was a good reason Dr. Erskine didn’t hand it out all willy-nilly during World War II.” Your expression was relaxed and gentle but there was a pain and guilt in your eyes. It was undeniable; it was the same look Bucky often saw reflected back at him every time he looked in the mirror. So he didn’t ask you to further explain. 

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” he agreed quietly. You sighed softly and ran a hand through your hair. The air grew uncomfortable and Bucky became nervous that he had overstepped his bounds somehow. “(Y/N)-”

You spoke over him with a small smile pressed on your lips. “It’s kind of late and I’m completely beat from sparring so I think I’m going to turn in,” you told him and scrambled out of the room. But not before bidding him adieu, “Thanks for having dinner with me. It was nice, really.” 

“Yeah-” Bucky tried to offer his own farewell but you were already gone. He groaned and ran a hand down his face as he replayed the evening. Where had he gone wrong? Asking you what happened to the formula. It was safe for him to assume that something bad had happened that led you to destroy it. He hated being reminded of the terrible things in his own past so he made a mental note to never bring it up again, even if he was wildly curious. Maybe someone else could offer him answers. 

Luckily (or perhaps unluckily), he was offered the opportunity to ask when Natasha came in and plopped down beside him. She flipped the lid back on the pizza box and frowned, “You really should throw this away.” It was a shame that it was empty because pizza would’ve really hit the spot. 

She glanced over and raised her eyebrow curiously. “What’s got you all you knotted up? (Y/N) give you blue balls again?” she asked frankly. Natasha had never really been one to dance around the subject and didn’t embarrass easily. Sometimes that was a great benefit and other times it was annoying. Right now, it was annoying - at least for Bucky. 

He sat up straighter and cleared his throat but his rosy face betrayed his otherwise stoic expression. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” he defended. How the hell did she know that? Well, she was the world’s best spy and was incredibly observant and talented at reading people. Bucky got up because he didn’t need to hear this. 

“You’re not as subtle as you think,” Natasha warned him. He sat back down and looked at her expectantly. If he was going to be more subtle then he needed to know what gave him away in the first place. Nat chuckled and propped her feet up before explaining, “Well, for starters you’re always staring at her and you never fail to watch her ass when she leaves a room.”

Bucky slunk down and looked away to hide just how brightly he was blushing. “Is that all?” he asked. It would be hard to stop staring but it was doable. 

Natasha laughed. If only it’d be that easy for the poor guy. “You turn red anytime she touches you. Not to make you feel like shit, but she touches everyone like that,” she informed him. You were pretty comfortable with casual intimacy and so it wasn’t unusual for you to rest your hand on someone’s while you spoke to them or for you to brush your hand across their back as you walked by. The thing is, Bucky almost liked that more. It came from a place that wasn’t pity and most people either feared or pitied him. Not you. 

“What are we talking about?” Sam asked, entering the room and opening the pizza box. “Damn.” Bucky really needed to throw that empty box away apparently since it seemed to be a real mood killer for everyone. 

“Oh just Barnes’s crush on (Y/N),” Natasha answered even as Bucky protested. Did the team usually gossip like schoolchildren or was he just a random victim? 

“Barnes has -” Sam blinked rapidly before narrowing his eyes at Bucky. Everyone was particularly protective of you and no one was going to be good enough for you. You deserved someone as angelic as yourself and that was going to be impossible to find. 

Steve had also entered the room at this point, officially making it a party. Bucky was completely exasperated at this point. “Might not be the best idea considering her past and all that,” he warned him. Steve also knew about Buck’s crush on you because he knew his friend now just as well as he had eighty years ago. 

Bucky had been attempting to excuse himself when he was drawn back in again. “And what part of her past do I need to be worried about?” he asked. The three fell silent so he repeated himself. 

Natasha took it upon herself to delicately break the news to you. “She hasn’t been in a committed relationship since her fiance died several years back. I don’t think she’s been the same since but that was before she joined the team,” she explained. 

“How did he. . .” Bucky asked but the three just shared a knowing look. There was no answer. They were hiding something and he figured it must be linked to the destruction of the serum; they just had to be related since it seemed to be the only thing no one would talk about. “Well, this has been fun.” With that, he finally escaped the most embarrassing situation of his life. 

He wasn’t sure if he should go stick his head in some sand and pretend like the whole thing never happened or if he should force himself to move on and sleep with some random gal just to prove that he wasn’t obsessed with you. But since the latter was far easier said than done, he decided just to sulk in his room for the time being. The only thing really left for him to do was pray that you didn’t see his affections towards you and that no one on the team told you. His best bet was to work on getting over you but he didn’t see that happening any time soon. You were it.


	4. A Little Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Steve try to take Bucky to a bar to help him with his horniness but he has a hard time finding someone else now that you've decided to tag along.

Now that everyone seemed to know how he felt about you, Bucky found that the team would sometimes snicker whenever he entered the room and you were already there. He would blush angrily and storm off, often leaving you confused. God bless you, but you really had no idea what was going on! 

As much as he tried to fight it, there was nothing he could do to quench the thirst he had for you. It’s not like you were making it much easier on him either. 

You and Wanda had been laying outside trying to get some sun which meant you were clad in only a bikini. A bikini! That was just the swimwear equivalent of underwear! The amount of skin you showed as you moved inside to put on real clothes was enough to make Bucky’s gut knot up. His eyes lingered on your body as you moved by, giving him a quick smile but otherwise paying him little mind as your attention was on the conversation you shared with Wanda. 

Bucky traced every curve of your figure with his vision; his eyes resting on your waist and thighs. He took note of each freckle and minor blemish on your otherwise seemingly smooth skin. And, of course, he couldn’t help but notice how your ass looked. 

“You’ve gotta stop staring,” Steve teased his friend. Bucky just gave him a look, almost as if he was pleading for help - any modicum of assistance would be welcome in getting him over his crush. “What’s that look for?” he chuckled. 

“I mean, did you see her? How am I not supposed to picture her completely naked and bent over a chair?” he groaned. This was hell. He had realized that he must’ve died at some point and this was his punishment for all of the bad things he did as the Winter Soldier. Having you so close and yet so far from his reach was the worst thing he could imagine. 

“Dude.” Sam furrowed his eyebrow. No one needed to hear about his sexual fantasies. You were basically like a little sister to half of the team; hearing Bucky say he wanted to bend you over gave them a mental image they didn’t care to see. Bucky just groaned and put his face in his hands. He was so totally screwed. 

“You need to get laid,” Sam added. The only explanation for his explicit imaginations had to be an extreme horniness. Now, Sam did not want nor did he need to think about Bucky jerking himself off; it was a mental image that would continually haunt him should he conjure it even once. But he didn’t mind helping a friend find an easy lay - especially if that meant getting him to shut up about you. 

“She hardly looks at me. I don’t see that happening,” Bucky sighed, kind of missing the point Sam was making. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said I’d get you hooked up with (Y/N). She’s forbidden fruit. I was thinking more like taking you to a bar and finding some nice, young lady that’s scantily clad.” 

Oh. For just one split second, Bucky had seen his whole future. He’d walk into the room and see you all dressed up… well, actually dressed down. The fabric covering your chest would be sheer and only large enough to cover your nipples. You’d have a matching thong so he could get a better view of your full, shapely ass. And he couldn’t forget the strappy heels to accentuate your thighs and further promote your ass. 

He’d close the distance in an instant. His hands would move immediately to your bra and set them free. Your own hands would dip into his pants and curl around his cock. He could already imagine how his member would feel in your small hands.

He could suck on your neck until you pulled away from him. You’d get down on your knees and stick out your tongue. He would glide his cock through your lips, your tongue curling around his head before it slipped deeper into your throat. 

But then Sam had brought him back to reality. Hooking up with another girl. It wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying but he supposed it would help him figure out if he had a real crush on you or if he was just sexually attracted to your absolutely perfect-in-every-way body. 

Bucky wasn’t quite enthused with the idea but he figured it would look worse for him if he didn’t go. Who’s to say that he would even find someone willing to screw him? Most girls seemed to be intimidated by his brooding. But you didn’t. You treated him like any other person. A sinking feeling told him that what he felt for you was more than physical. Time to find out for sure. 

Just as Steve, Sam, and Bucky were about to step out, your voice came bouncing down the hall as you scrambled to catch up. “Sorry,” you apologized for holding them up with a laugh. “I heard you were going out but I couldn’t decide on a dress.” 

Bucky completely froze, even the blood in his body coming to a halt causing his skin to grow cold. His eyes locked onto your body and he’d need to be blinded in order to stop staring. 

There you were. Hair thrown up and off of your neck. Face dolled up but not so much as to take away from your natural beauty. Fingernails freshly painted - when did you find time for that? Legs for days. Bucky was absolutely smitten. 

Or horny. Maybe he was just horny. He still wasn’t completely sure. 

“Let’s go, girly,” Wanda smiled, joining so that you wouldn’t be overwhelmed by the testosterone. It felt like it had been ages since you had really had a night on the town. Even if you couldn’t get drunk, you could dance and socialize and flirt. It would be fun! 

Steve and Sam were staring at Bucky with both pity, sympathy, and amusement. Bucky had his hand jammed deep inside his pants pockets and he pinched at his thighs so that the pain would keep his excitement contained. “Which one of you invited her?” he growled. They were supposed to be helping him get over you! 

“I think she just invited herself,” Steve assured Bucky. Both he and Sam would love it if he got over his crush on you. A romantic/sexual relationship amongst teammates never ended well; the last thing they wanted was for you to get hurt from a failed relationship. 

That seemed to be that so everyone moved into the city and entered a bar. Everyone squeezed in at the bar and ordered their poison. Since getting drunk wasn’t on the agenda, you ordered something fruity and sweet - no need to drink the hard stuff since it didn’t taste as good. The two non-super soldiers did order themselves something a little stronger because it was nice to let loose a little on occasion. Steve ordered a bourbon because he didn’t mind the flavor and Bucky settled for a beer. 

The bar was full but not so crowded that it was uncomfortable. A live band was set up in the corner playing a wide range of covers. As long as you dropped a buck in their jar, they’d play anything requested. You pulled Wanda closer to the band and joined the dozen other people dancing to ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’ 

You being there had really thrown a wrench in the plan of getting Bucky laid because he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. You looked so alive and free and happy just dancing as if no one was watching, screaming lyrics from old eighties songs at the top of your lungs with one of your best friends. He felt like a cartoon character, heart eyes and all. 

Sam knew that Bucky would never get any work done on his own so he went on the hunt. Luckily, he was able to find an eligible and interested bachelorette. She wasn’t you but that might be a good thing. You were oblivious and not willing to sneak off into the questionable bathroom to give him head like she was. 

Steve and Sam moved to the edge of the small dance floor, mostly to give Bucky some space to get to know the mystery girl. She chattered endlessly and Bucky only pretended to listen; he gaze was set just behind her because he still couldn’t remove his eyes from you. He didn’t even bother lying to himself by claiming he only watched to make sure you stayed safe because that’s definitely not why he stared. 

Since the band seemed to be particularly good at eighties covers, you decided to keep the party going. You dropped some money into their jar and requested a personal favorite. ‘Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone.’ Bucky didn’t recognize the song but you had grown up listening to Madonna with your mother. 

The music picked up and a wide smile grew on your face. You grabbed Steve’s hands and yanked him in so that he had to dance with you. He chuckled bashfully and kind of bopped along but he had never really been a dancer. Both of his hands were in yours and you swung them around to give him more motion. Bucky curled his hands into fists, envy making his body completely rigid. You pressed in closer to Steve to sing, “Out of the sky, I close my eyes. Heaven, help me!” You spun around in his arms and the two of you laughed. The beat was good and the melody a lot of fun; while you knew the lyrics, you never gave them much thought. 

By the time the chorus rolled around for the second time, Bucky finally heard the words and they registered in his mind. ‘I’m down on my knees, I want to take you there. In the midnight hour, I can feel your power.’ He couldn’t help but return to his earlier fantasy. 

His hands curled in your hair and your eyes watering as you bobbed your head against his throbbing cock. Your hands holding onto his thighs to keep yourself balanced as he tickled your uvula. The sound of you gagging only bringing him closer to the edge. 

“Um, hello?” The stranger frowned and waved her hand in front of Bucky whose jealous expression had grown vacant as he escaped into his fantasy. “Are we gonna fuck or are you going to make googly eyes at the girl who clearly has a boyfriend?” 

Bucky absolutely hated the idea of Steve being your boyfriend. He knew it wasn’t true but if a stranger assumed that you were dating him solely from how you were dancing up against him to a song about fellatio, then he wasn’t happy with how you were dancing with Steve. How could Steve do this to him?! It didn’t matter. He was supposed to get over you anyway. 

So he allowed this stranger to drag him into the men’s restroom and into a stall. She got down on her knees and unzipped his pants. At least he’d finally get that blowjob he so desperately seemed to need. “Look at how hard you already are,” she laughed, completely oblivious to the fact that he had gotten excited from watching you dance. Did you even know how provocative you had been or had it been unintentional? 

Her lips weren’t as full as yours and she lacked that sparkle in her eyes. When she skillfully began to treat him, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. If he didn’t look, it was almost as if it was you instead. It wasn’t as good as he imagined because it wasn’t the sound of your own little grunts and gags. Regardless, it still felt good and it was nice to have someone else get him off instead of his hand. 

She stood and wiped her mouth off before reapplying her lipstick. “Call me,” she smirked and tucked a napkin with her number into his jacket pocket before moving back out to join her friends. Bucky just slumped down and sat on the toilet with his head in his hands. 

He wasn’t sure what was worse: getting a casual blowjob from someone he didn’t even feel physically attracted to or picturing you while it happened? Definitely the latter. He was disgusted and ashamed of himself. Worst of all, his opinion of you hadn’t changed in the slightest. You were still it for him. If only it had been him you were dancing with, and not Steve. No - if only he had the courage to go out there and let you pull him. Damnit, Bucky. He was hopeless.


	5. A Little Dream of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky are both awake late for different reasons and find comfort in each other.

Bucky sat up, drenched in sweat and panting. He glanced over at the clock and groaned. After much tossing and turning, it turned out he had only got two hours of sleep after finally managing to doze off in the first place. At this point, he didn’t expect to find anymore sleep tonight but he wouldn’t make it through the day on such little rest so he resorted to making himself a bucket of coffee to try and shake the sleepiness from his body. 

He tensed for a moment as he stepped into the hall. It could’ve been from the cold that surrounded his half-naked body (why put on a shirt if no one was going to see him and he was just going to bring his caffeine back to his room?). It could’ve been from the guilt of seeing your bedroom door just down the hall; he wasn’t dating you but letting some other woman touch his dick filled him with shame and remorse anyway. That’s when he noticed your door was slightly ajar. 

After much deliberation, he decided to just briefly check on you. The odds of finding you asleep, dressed in little more than athletic shorts and a tank top, were pretty high. But if that was the case, he’d just have to control himself and do you the favor of shutting your door to give you privacy. If that wasn’t the case. . . well, he’d cross that bridge when he got there. 

He got close enough to hear sniffles and realized that he already had a foot on said bridge. Bucky was far from the best person to offer any kind of moral support or an emotional shoulder to lean on. But he also couldn’t just leave you alone; what kind of a person would that make him? So, with a cartoonish gulp, he knocked on your open door and cracked it open a little more so he could peek his head in. 

You were on the floor and surrounded by a plethora of things such as magazine clippings, old photos, documents, and jewelry. After hearing the knock, you quickly wiped your eyes, tried to scramble everything together, and turned around. “Bucky?” You had been expecting Natasha since she had just stepped out to get you some hot chocolate to cheer you up. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you?” 

Bucky’s heart completely shattered at the sight of your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He shook his head slowly. “Are you okay?” he asked. As hard as he tried to pick up context clues from the things strewn about your room, he had a hard time connecting the dots. 

You sniffled and bashfully twiddled with your fingers behind your back. “I’m fine, really,” you assured him with a forced smile. You were always smiling but Bucky had never seen you smile so sadly. The two of you stood there awkwardly while Bucky struggled to find the right thing to say in an attempt to comfort you. 

“Barnes,” Natasha cleared her throat and he stepped aside to let her in. She handed you a warm mug that you took with a gracious smile. You assured Natasha that you’d be okay and you just wanted some time alone. “Come on, give her some space,” she told Bucky and dragged him out of the room. 

“What are you doing in her room half-naked in the middle of the night anyway?” she asked him after quietly closing your door. 

“I just heard her crying and wanted to make sure she was alright,” Bucky frowned. It seemed like no one would ever approve of him pursuing you regardless of whether or not that was actually his intention. God forbid he just be a good friend. 

Natasha didn’t completely buy it. “Well, you could’ve put on a shirt,” she said and moved down the hall to her own room. 

“Wait-” Bucky called down after her. “Is she going to be okay? What happened?” It was stupid and unreasonable but he just had to make sure that he hadn’t inadvertently done anything to hurt you. There was nothing he had even done but he was a nervous person. 

She just sighed and spun around on her heels. “It’s the anniversary of her wedding date. And the day her fiance died,” she stated simply. Natasha figured that he’d be less likely to bother you if she was just honest. No need for him to keep nosing around a delicate issue.

Bucky pursed his lips and sighed. No wonder you were upset even when your disposition was usually always sunny. He wished he knew how to offer any sort of comfort but he didn’t know what to do. So, after standing in front of your door for probably too long, he moved into the kitchen to finally make himself coffee. 

He leaned against the counter with his head back and eyes closed. It was silent save for the bubbling and splash of the fresh coffee dripping into the coffee pot. His mind wandered as it usually did. This time, his mind took him to your wedding night. While marriage wasn’t really what his mind was locked onto it, your body in a wedding dress was. 

Who was he kidding? It didn’t matter what kind of dress you wore. What he fixated on was your wedding night lingerie. You’d have on sheer tights that went up past your knees and were held in place by garters. You’d be in all white lace and your hair would still be done up from the wedding. There was something extra special about picturing you as this virtuous virgin ready to have your cherry popped on your wedding night. 

“You’re still up?” your voice shook him from his daydream. Thank God he hadn’t gotten much further in his imagination. You sat your empty mug in the sink and looked up at him, the space between the two of you quite narrow. He realized that he had been wrong about your pajamas. Now that the season had changed and the nights were cooler, you wore a matched set with regular pajamas bottoms and a long-sleeved button-up to match. Somehow, he found that even more attractive. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Bucky answered simply. Your attention fell on the coffee pot and you nodded. 

“Must be something about tonight, huh?” 

“Yeah.” The two of you were up for completely different reasons. You mourned for the past and he was trying to escape his past. The silence was loud; neither of you wanted to break it for fear of saying something that should be left unsaid. 

“Thank you, by the way,” you finally said and fiddled with your fingers. “For letting me crash your boys’ night. It was nice to get out.” Now Bucky knew why you seemed so desperate to tag along even though you hadn’t been invited - you had just been looking for something to distract you. 

“Anytime, (Y/N),” Bucky forced a grin on his lips which caused you to smile back. And while he knew he shouldn’t push his luck, he added, “You know you can just ask. I mean. . . if you ever need anything.” He turned around to check on his coffee and to wince at himself. That hadn’t come out like he meant. What he had intended to say was ‘I’d do anything for you if only you asked’ or anything more eloquent than whatever had passed through his lips just now. 

You grinned bashfully. “Well, the courtesy extends both ways,” you let him know. You found him to be more suave than he gave himself credit for. Regardless of how smooth he was, the offer would’ve still stood. “I know sometimes in this life it can get kind of lonely. But you’re not alone.” 

Even if he spent some time with Steve or Sam, most of his time was spent away from everyone else. He was always on the outside which is why you always went the extra mile to offer him a smile or pat on the back. Even now, you gently placed your hand on his bare back which caused goosebumps to cover his skin. He glanced back at you and his lips tingled at the sight of you - begging to be pressed against yours. 

You smiled warmly up at him and it was a miracle that he didn’t melt into your palm. He cleared his throat and poured himself a mug. “You know, that caffeine isn’t going to help you sleep at all,” you mentioned. When he didn’t say anything you connected the dots and further added, “Caffeine is bad for nightmares, too.” 

He turned to look at you. How did you know? You just shrugged and your smile faded back into that sad grin that hurt him to see. “We’ve all done things we regret. We all have ghosts,” you assured him quietly. You couldn’t even begin to imagine just what haunted his dreams but you could empathize with the stress and insomnia. 

“I don’t know if you’re a tea drinker,” you said and rummaged around in a cabinet before pulling out a box filled with tea bags, “but I found that chamomile helps me sometimes. Among other remedies.” 

Bucky took the box and glanced up at you. “Thank you, (Y/N).” If he hadn’t been sure of it before, he was sure now; he was completely in love with you. Of course it helped that you had the body of a Greek goddess but even if you were built like a slug, your heart was so warm that he felt like the cold shame that constantly enveloped him was melting away. 

You smiled and placed a quick kiss on his cheek. “Let me know if it helps you, okay? If not, we can try other things. Meditation before bed, massages, among other things. I swear, if it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to get you a good night’s rest,” you chuckled and left for bed. 

He surely couldn’t realize how much talking to him for just a moment had helped you. It had taken your mind off of your past. And you really, genuinely liked helping people. If suggesting a tea would help him get some restful sleep, then that would be enough to make you happy. 

Bucky smiled bashfully to himself long after you had left. His skin burned where you touched him; if he had been a crazy, teenage girl then he would’ve vowed to never wash that spot. He poured out his coffee and began to prepare the tea. He wasn’t a tea guy but it was worth a shot if you said it would help. Besides, he needed to know if he should try something else to get restful sleep. 

What was it that you had suggested again? Meditating - he didn’t see himself getting into a peaceful headspace without his thoughts carrying him somewhere dark. What else did you suggest? That’s right. A massage. He felt a twitch in his pants. Part of him wanted this tea to work to make sure it didn’t come to that and the other part of him didn’t care whether it worked or not because he could just lie about so that your hands would be on his body. Did you have any idea what you were doing to him?


	6. What Could Be - An Undercover Story (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part One of the (relatively short) Undercover Mission that you and Bucky are assigned to. 
> 
> Bucky doesn't fail to make things awkward and the mission had barely even started!

You glanced over at Bucky and then to Tony before smiling, “Okay.” The two of you were assigned to the same undercover mission. Bucky sat there silently, unable to even stalk you with his eyes as you left the room to gather what you needed. 

“I assume you can handle yourself?” Tony asked and gave him a curious look. If Bucky was lingering around to admit that this was outside of his comfort zone, now was the time to confess. The opportunity wouldn’t be available later. 

Bucky cleared his throat and nodded. He didn’t need to explain himself and to Tony of all people. Did Stark even realize what he was doing to you? “Well, Loverboy, you were picked because you’re the most likely to keep (Y/N) safe. She knows what she’s looking for. Bring her back in one piece,” he said and left the room. So Stark did know full-well what he was doing to him. Damn these Avengers. 

When he couldn’t find you in your room, Bucky went searching for you. You had to get to the airport to catch your flight. The undercover part of the mission started the moment you left the Avengers Tower. After some searching, he found you in one of the labs trying to cram some things into your purse while still making sure it would close. 

“Are you ready?” he asked you and did a double take. He had been given some nice designer clothes that he had reluctantly changed into. So he figured you would be in something similar but it was, as usual, better than he could’ve imagined. 

You took a seat on the ground and inadvertently flashed him. He was quick to turn his head away while you struggled to finish pulling on your heels. “I hate these tight dresses,” you laughed uncomfortably as you pushed yourself back up onto your feet and shouldered your heavy purse. “And I hate that Tony won’t give me a bigger purse.” You rolled your eyes. After a few too many missions where you’d fill a tote bag to the brim, he had decided that you couldn’t be trusted with anything larger than a small shoulderbag and even then you usually didn’t get anything bigger than a clutch. 

“He wants me to get radiation readings but won’t let me bring all of my gear,” you groaned in frustration. Bucky cracked a smile because he had never seen you like this before. In fact, now that he thought about it, he had never come to see you in the lab before. Sometimes he forgot just how brilliant you were. 

You rambled on a little too much and fixed your hair as you got into a black car that drove the two of you to the hotel. “Oh, I forgot. We need to put these on,” you realized and held out a diamond ring for your finger before handing Bucky a gold band. The two of you stared at each other uncomfortably. You had worn a diamond ring once and now you didn’t so it brought back less-than-happy memories whereas Bucky had a metal hand that was going to have to constantly be covered in a glove. The tension actually bubbled over enough that it caused you to burst into laughter. Bucky even cracked a smile and chuckled. 

“Guess you don’t need to put yours on,” you chuckled but continued to spin yours around in your hand. There was no good reason for you not to put yours on but yet you hesitated. Bucky grabbed it from your palm, rolled down the window, and chucked it out on the street. 

Your eyes grew wide and you turned in your seat, watching through the window even though you had no idea where it had even landed. You snapped your head back to Bucky who was clearly nervous he had done the right thing when all he had intended was to free you from the stress of making the decision to put the ring on. But you had a big smile so he relaxed. “Well, someone is going to be very lucky when they find that ring. And you. . . Tony might just kill you,” you laughed. His favorite melody was your laugh, your God-honest, belly rolling, happy laugh. 

“Thank you,” you added quietly and glanced over at him. That little act of kindness had completely made your day. The sheer amount of guilt that would’ve hung around you like a dark cloud should you put that ring on was now something you didn’t even have to think about. You took his hand and squeezed it quickly. 

The trip through the airport was effortless and the flight just as easy. It was particularly easy for you because you nodded off for most of the three hour flight. You nodded off and your head slumped to the side, comfortably resting against Bucky’s shoulder. He was rigid for the entirety of that time to such a degree that his muscles completely ached by the time the plane landed. But he didn’t dare move lest he wake you. Besides, he didn’t know when a chance like this would happen again. 

You acted as if nothing had happened because, to you, that had been nothing. You stepped off the plane and into the luxury car waiting for you. Being friends with a billionaire really did have its perks. Though, the two of you were posing as rich socialites so it was important to keep up the image anyway. 

Bucky let you drive - well, more like you rushed ahead and slid into the driver’s seat. It took just a moment for you to remember how to drive stick but it was all muscle memory from when you were learning how to drive as a teenager. You sped to the nice part of town where you ogled at the million dollar estates before pulling up the swankiest hotel and checking into your room

To keep up the image that the two of you were married (or perhaps just to make Bucky’s life harder), Tony had made sure to book the nicest suite in the hotel. . . that meant one king-sized bed. You didn’t seem all that bothered - the bed was more than large enough for two people and you didn’t take up that much space anyway. 

You began to unpack your suitcase and sit your gear out on the desk. Bucky awkwardly dumped his things into a dresser drawer and moved around the room. “Well,” you clapped your hands together after checking your watch, “We don’t have much to do until tomorrow so I think I’m going to go down to the pool and get some sun.”

Bucky held up his metal arm. “Couldn’t come even if I wanted to,” he said. He had to always have on long-sleeves and a glove. You made a sympathetic face because you hadn’t considered that. 

“Well, I can stay. We could find something to watch and order room service,” you offered instead. You didn’t want to just leave him all alone! That wouldn’t be fair. 

“No, you go down. I can keep myself entertained,” he assured you. Besides, starting tomorrow, the schedule would be pretty packed; you might not have time to enjoy yourself and treat this like a vacation again before it was time to go back home. 

You sighed, still unsure if he was really okay with it or if he was being nice but you stepped into the bathroom to change. You came back out in the same bikini he had seen you in before when you were sunbathing back in New York, only now you wore designer sunglasses, a large-brimmed hat, and heels. “Could you put sunscreen on my back? I’m absolutely petrified of getting skin cancer. I love vitamin D but I also don’t want to get wrinkly,” you rambled. 

And you continued to ramble on about how wrinkly your grandparents looked and how your mother got sun spots when she got older. Bucky could hardly focus on the words as he rubbed cream over your smooth skin. It was actually agony to basically massage what was essentially lotion into your back because it was bringing back all of those dirty images he had promised himself not to conjure during the mission. 

Once you were all lathered, you were out the door. “Call me if you get bored. I’ll come back up,” you had assured him just to make sure he knew that you’d be more than willing to do something with him. 

But as soon as the door clicked behind you, Bucky sank down onto the couch and undid his zipper. He didn’t expect to be long and he figured you’d be at the poolside for at least an hour. If he was lucky, he might even catch a glimpse of you diving into the water from the patio. 

His hand was already partially lubed from the sunscreen, the coconut scent that was fresh on your skin still lingered in the air and just turned him on even more. With his head tilted back and eyes closed, he pictured you just as you were climbing on top of him. He’d moved your bikini to the side just enough that he could press his throbbing cock inside you. 

You’d throw your head back and your hat would fall off which was perfect because now he could tangle his fingers in your hair. Your walls would tighten around him as he slowly pushed deeper inside you. His fingers would fumble with the strings of your bikini until your breasts were freed for him to admire and play with to his desire. 

The door clicked and you stepped back inside. “I forgot my earbuds-” you laughed bashfully before spotting him on the couch. Your eyes grew wide and it took far too long for you to tear your eyes away. But when you did, your hand covered your face and you turned your back. 

“I am so sorry,” you breathed, even your words coming out rosy, blushed, and bashful. You bolted out of the door, not even caring to grab your earbuds which were in the bedroom, and ran down to the pool. 

Bucky stood up and yanked his zipper back up. He had been so close to finishing and now his member throbbed angrily in his pants. He rubbed against it on the outside. He had never been so red - in fact, the shade was so bright it matched your new pedicure (something he had obviously taken notice of, too). 

The day had gone so well up until now. He had made you laugh. You had slept against his shoulder. He had gotten to touch your soft skin. And now it was shaping up to be one of the worst days ever - and he was even taking his days at Hydra into consideration. The shame and guilt he felt were immeasurable. “Damnit. You’re a stupid bastard, you know that?” he shamed himself and plopped back down on the couch. At this rate, he wouldn’t even be surprised if you never made it back to the room. 

Damnit Bucky.


	7. 6: Tender Touch - An Undercover Story (part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a turn of events, you're the one to make things more awkward than they already were.

You knocked at the hotel door before coming in which, honestly, only made Bucky feel more ashamed. What kind of sicko was he? Doing that in your shared room without having the decency to at least do it in the shower? Surely you would think he was a pig and he would have to agree with you on that. He was a pig. 

“I’m sorry,” the two of you said at the same time. Bucky furrowed his brow. “Why are you sorry? I’m the pig.” Admitting it outloud was like being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer; he swore he even felt his innards move around. It was a huge hit to his ego to admit to you what he really was. 

“What? No - I mean, I could’ve really gone without seeing all of that which means I should’ve just knocked but. . . I mean, that’s a normal thing. . . that men do. . .” You assured him. It was ridiculous of you to assume that any or all of your male friends didn’t help themselves out every one and awhile. “I mean I do it, too. This job can be stressful and - oh, geez. I’ve said way too much.” 

You didn’t embarrass too easily. But you had been embarrassed when you walked in on Bucky. And now, somehow, you had embarrassed yourself more. You ran into the bathroom and locked yourself in on the other side, smacking your forehead as you slid down against the wall. Stupid! Why did you just tell him that you touched yourself?! It wasn’t even something that you did often but… sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. 

Eventually you came back out, fully dressed and blushing from ear to ear. “I would really like it if we pretended that none of this happened,” you stated quietly and yet firmly. 

Bucky stopped his pacing and looked at you. “That works just fine for me,” he assured you. At this point, he didn’t know what was worse: having you walk in on him or knowing that you touched yourself. Add that to the list of inappropriate images of you that he couldn’t get out of his head. 

“Okay, great. So can we order room service or something?” you asked and sat on the edge of the bed while looking at the menu. Everything was ridiculously overpriced but that didn’t matter since you weren’t the one footing the bill. So you ordered the filet mignon and a bottle of decades old wine. Bucky settled for a burger but at least it was made from wagyu - the finest beef in the Palm Beach area or so it claimed. 

It was awkward and quiet. So you turned on the television in the bedroom (since it would just be too much to sit on that couch right now) and flipped through the channels before settling on Ghost. “I’ve never actually seen this,” you remarked and settled back against the headboard. 

The food arrived and Bucky brought your steak to you. “Don’t be bashful,” you smiled when he tried sitting in the chair in the corner instead of on his side of the bed. “I’ve already seen your penis,” you joked before your expression fell and your eyes grew wide. Maybe that wasn’t the best joke to make so soon. 

“Sorry,” you quickly added. “I won’t talk about your penis. Oh boy. . . I sure am saying ‘penis’ a lot.” It seemed like your mouth was moving far too fast for your brain. It was a miracle you didn’t make a fool of yourself more often. 

Bucky was bashful, especially since you did keep saying ‘penis’ and in reference to his own. But he didn’t want you to feel embarrassed (or at least any more than you already were) so he climbed into the bed beside you and ate his burger. You glanced over and smiled gently. In your opinion, he didn’t get nearly enough credit for being a good man. Because that’s what he was: a good man. How many times had he done just the right thing to make you feel better? 

Since your mouth had been preoccupied with eating, you hadn’t said anything stupid in awhile which was a step in the right direction. Sometimes silence was enough to create a chasm between two people but right now it was a bridge that brought you closer despite the awkwardness. 

“That’s romantic,” you sighed wistfully, finally coming to the iconic pottery scene. It was good your focus was set so heavily on the television since Bucky found himself constantly adjusting to make sure he didn’t get a boner. Why did you have to pick a movie with a scene like this?! 

Now he couldn’t help but picture that scene but with the two of you instead. His breath hot and heavy on your neck as your core began to burn and ache for his touch. 

“Don’t you think?” You asked and turned over to him. Bucky forced on a smile on his face and nodded. Thankfully your gaze didn’t linger on him long before turning back to the movie. 

“I think I’m going to take a shower,” he excused himself. You promised to tell him how the movie ended. He stepped into the hotel shower and turned the water on the coldest setting possible. His skin burned from the cold and was covered in gooseflesh. But at least he was able to cool down his burning desire. 

By the time he finished and came back into the room, the credits were rolling and you were asleep. Bucky began to tiptoe to the couch when you stirred. “Don’t be silly. The bed’s big enough for both of us,” you mumbled before turning over. 

There was no reason for either of you to give up the comfort of the plush king-sized bed. You were on your side leaving more than half of the bed for him. So he reluctantly crawled in and laid flat on his back. 

He glanced over at you but you had already fallen back asleep. He sighed gently. You didn’t realize how afraid he was to sleep beside you. What if he had a nightmare and lashed out at you? He’d never forgive himself. 

For hours, he laid there too afraid to asleep, tossing and turning in an attempt to at least be comfortable. But then you rolled over and snuggled in against him. You pressed your cheek against his back and held onto the fabric of his shirt. 

It had been a long time since you had felt the comfort of sharing a bed with someone. Even in your sleep, you gravitated towards the warmth and security. And for the rest of the night, you slept soundly.

Much to his own surprise, Bucky found that he was finally able to doze off as well. Even if it was just for a few hours, he slept better than he had in a very long time. There was something about your physical touch that put his muscles at ease and let his mind wander far from the darkness from where it normally resided. The only thing that scared him was that this was further confirmation that you were the one for him. Why did he feel as though he wasn’t the one for you? He’d never be good enough for you. But by God he wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one is a little short. Had to do this one on my phone instead of my laptop


	8. 7: A First Date - An Undercover Story (part three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky go to lunch to spy on some Hydra agents when Bucky, per usual, gets himself in hot water.

You stretched your arms out and yawned. How did you end up on this side of the bed? Bucky came out of the bathroom with his hair trimmed and slicked back. You grinned and sat up. “Well look at you!” You slipped from the bed and resisted the urge to ruffle his hair. “I didn’t wake you did I?” You were afraid you had rolled him right off the bed. 

He shook his head and blushed. “No, you were fine,” he assured you gently and grabbed his suit. The gala wasn’t until later but the two of you had lunch reservations that you couldn’t miss. You had a table next to two supposed Hydra agents that you had to spy on. 

So you took your turn in the bathroom and came back out all done up. Bucky’s jaw fell to the floor and his tongue rolled out across the carpet. Wow. “Don’t stare. It’s so much work to look like this,” you giggled. You knew you looked good even if it wasn’t your usual style. 

You adjusted the pencil skirt you were in and huffed. These clothes were so stuffy even if they did make you look classy. “Alright, let’s get this done.” Bucky opened the door for you and the two of you moved down to the fancy car. This time, you let Bucky drive. 

The two of you really did look like quite the pair. Strikingly gorgeous. A perfect match. You hooked your arm around Bucky’s and he looked down at you with big eyes. “We’re supposed to be married, remember? Don’t worry I won’t bite,” you promised. God, he wished you would, though. He wanted nothing more than fingernails marks down his back, bite marks near his neck, and hickeys on his chest. 

He was tense but he walked arm-in-arm with you to your table and sat across from you. To outsiders, it looked like the two of you were a normal couple having an early lunch. To Bucky, it felt similar to a first date. The two of you were dressed up nicely and having a meal together in a fancy restaurant. He’d take you back to a hotel room when this was over. Only. . . he wouldn’t get to undress you like he wished since this really wasn’t a real date. 

You were digging around in your clutch and popped in a small earpiece that would allow you to better eavesdrop on the two businessmen at the table beside you. This part of the mission was simple. Just listen to what they had to say all while remaining inconspicuous. 

It went well, too. The two did reveal themselves to be Hydra and, while they spoke in code, you had everything recorded. You sent the recording back to SHIELD and the rest would be their problem. With any luck, they’d be able to decipher their code and learn the whereabouts of a Hydra base or a Hydra plan or something like that. 

The Hydra agents had only ordered wine and had left. You and Bucky had already gotten an appetizer and had salads on their way to the table so there was no point in letting good food go to waste. “This is probably different from all of the missions you’re used to you,” you noted with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, this is a lot slower and there’s a lot less shooting,” he said. Normally he was the last resort and was sent in to take someone out. This was different. There wasn’t even a target to be taken out. This mission was about gathering intel and making sure that the gala went off without a hitch because there were rumors that Hydra had some sort of radioactive weapon that they’d be passing off in the background of the party. 

“This is all I’m really used to. They don’t trust me,” you added quietly and poked at the tomato rolling around on your plate. 

Bucky cocked his head to the side. “What do you mean? Who’s they?” he asked. His affections for you were beyond physical so he was able to push aside his own selfish attraction so that he could hold your hand without thinking about you naked. He squeezed your fingers gently. 

“Everyone. I’m sure they told you I’m fragile and I’m sure they told you the only reason you’re here to protect me,” you stated plainly, your voice level and unwavering. Your lip curled upward in disgust but once you realized you forced a smile on your face. “Enough about me.”

Bucky shook his head and squeezed your hand. “I don’t think you’re fragile,” he promised you. You looked deep into his eyes because he would be far from the first person to lie to you about that. But he seemed earnest which made your smile soften. “I think everyone is so desperate to protect you because you’re so good. This life has a way of attracting broken people or breaking them down even more. But you’re just. . . good.”

You blushed and turned your head to the side in an attempt to hide your sheepish grin. “It still doesn’t change that I’m strong and I’m fast. The same as you and Steve,” you said and looked at him. He really seemed to know just what to say to make you feel better so you needed him to say something about this. 

Bucky searched for the best way to put it eloquently. Then he realized, he just needed to speak honestly and that would be enough for you. “You lack the training,” he started. Just because you had strength, it didn’t mean you knew how to use it; that much was clear from how you sparred. “And. . . I don’t really see you hurting anyone.” 

You took a sip of the white wine that you ordered and pursed your lips. “You don’t really know me,” you whispered. The salad on your plate was hardly touched but you found you no longer had an appetite. “I guess no one really does.” You placed some money on the table before declaring that you wanted to go back to the hotel.

Bucky’s stomach knotted. So much for that. You had looked to him for comfort and then he only made it worse. He had been honest, though! What was bad about you not hurting anyone? He would give up his right arm if he could take back all of the people he had hurt. But he hadn’t considered that maybe you had hurt someone before or maybe you had been in a position where you should’ve hurt someone and didn’t. You said it - he really didn’t know you it seemed. 

You moved straight into the bathroom and locked yourself inside for well over an hour. Bucky spent the entirety of that hour just pacing. “I’m sorry,” he said the moment he heard the door crack open. He caught his breath at the sight of you. 

“Nothing to apologize for,” you stated with a polite smile. “You’re right. I don’t have the training and I have a weak resolve when it comes to violence. Let’s move on.” Bucky opened his mouth because he did want to further explain himself and apologize again but one dirty look from you shut him up. Damn, you had never looked at him like that before and he never wanted to do anything to deserve that look again. 

“Well, you look very nice,” Bucky added quietly before taking his turn to change for the gala. You had freshened up your makeup and put your hair up before slipping into a gorgeous gown with a slit that went too far up the leg for Bucky to feel completely comfortable. Not to mention the plunging neckline with the necklace that drew his eyes straight to your chest. When he wasn’t ruining his own life, your body was surely doing the work for him. 

Buck changed quickly and came bursting out before he could even finish tying his tie. “No, I want to say one more thing,” he had decided. You gave him a pleading look and one last chance to back down before he made a bigger fool of himself. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I don’t know you as well as I’d like but I want to. So let me get to know you.” 

When it came down to it, he realized that he knew very little about you. He knew you were a doctor with a few PhDs and you specialized in radiation because that’s how you came to possessing the super soldier serum which you had consumed and now had all of the little goodies that came with it. He knew you were once engaged and now your fiance was dead. And he knew that you loved to lay in the sun because the warmth made you feel safe and held - it was something he deduced on his own after realizing just how much time you spent sunbathing. 

Since you had been expecting just an apology, you were a little blindsided. A silly grin pressed onto your lips. There it was - him saying just the right thing. “Okay,” you agreed. 

“Okay?” Bucky stood up a little straighter. Okay?! This meant that he hadn’t completely blown his shot! He didn’t know how many more chances you’d allow him so he vowed to make this one count. 

“Okay,” you repeated with a chuckle and stepped in closer to him so you could tie his tie for him. He prayed you didn’t realize that you had left him completely breathless just by being so close and so tender. “You know, I’d like to get to know you, too. I know you’re private but all I really know about you came from a textbook or Steve.” 

Bucky grinned. Maybe this wasn’t an official date, but it sure felt like one. And even if it wasn’t, boy was he glad to have the pleasure of getting to know someone like you. Better yet, he was blessed to have someone like you interested in him as well.


	9. 8: Touching Me, Touching You - An Undercover Story (part four)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky get back from the Gala and you give him a massage which leads to you explaining your past

Bucky had a hard time not staring. You looked like a queen, a goddess, the embodiment of the sun. He caught you staring a few times too, though; the butterflies in his stomach escaping and filling every crevice in his body. Even as the two of you made your way back to the hotel and your hair had fallen out of place you still looked perfect. 

Mostly, he was still reeling from the kiss you had given him. Not even ten minutes into the gala, you pulled him down by his collar and kissed him for just a singular moment. That moment stretched through the infinity of time even if physically it had been just that - a moment. 

“Sorry,” you had chuckled. “I went to college with those two. It would’ve been a shame to blow our cover so soon and for them of all people.” It had been nothing to you and that had been enough to bring him back to reality. You brushed some of the red lipstick off of his lower lip and grinned. Good as new. He didn’t feel very good though. 

The two of you moved up to the suite and he allowed you to use the bathroom first. You began to run the water in the jacuzzi tub and stepped back out, lifting up your hair. “Could you get the zipper?” you asked. 

Bucky’s hands trembled and his fingers brushed gently across the fabric. He pinched the zipper and pulled it down slowly, revealing more and more skin. He sighed in relief when the zipper stopped halfway down your back. If it had gone all of the way down, he would’ve had a heart attack. It was bad enough that he had been subject to your cleavage and legs all night. 

“Thanks,” you grinned and stepped back into the bathroom. But you had barely shut the door when you popped your head back out, careful not to open the door all of the way because you were naked on the other side. “I’m being such a pain. Could you get my razor from my bag?” He couldn’t say no as you bat those pretty eyelashes. 

When the door was finally closed, and closed for good, he fell backwards onto the bed. You were seriously killing him! When he heard you turn the water off, he allowed his mind to wander now that he had new information to work with. 

You’d sink into the water and shave your legs until they were silky smooth. You’d wash your hair and scrub your skin until you practically sparkled. But why waste the good water? It was a jacuzzi tub anyway. The bubbles would feel so good against your skin that you’d have no other option - you’d have to dip your fingers down between your legs. But that just wouldn’t do it so thank goodness there were jacuzzi nozzles to give you the pressure you needed. 

Bucky resisted the urge to put his hands down his own drawers lest he get caught in the act again. If you ever saw him like that again then he would have to make a vow of celibacy to deal with the shame. Regardless of whether or not he touched himself, he still found himself growing excited. 

So as he usually did, he had to distract himself. You hadn’t been in the bathroom too long so he began to undress. He tucked his suit and tie neatly over a chair before tossing his button-up and pants on the pile as well. He had just pulled on some sweatpants when you stepped out. 

Your hair was still dripping wet as you hand-dried it with a towel. Your own pajamas were loose on your frame but the water dripping from your hair and the humidity from the bathroom caused them to grow damp and cling to your skin. “You should really try the tub. It works wonders for the muscles,” you noted before plopping down on the bed. 

You dumped your clutch out on the bed. You had spent the evening locating different weapons, they looked like bombs, disguised in pieces of art that the social elite were bidding on. They all had radioactive pods that you had located and stolen. So while Bucky cleaned himself, you were going to do some work. 

Bucky took a shower since he wasn’t a bath guy. And when he stepped out, you were still intently working. It was cute to see you so focused and determined. You even had on glasses that Tony had designed for you to give you extra magnification to see microscopic details. You didn’t look up until you felt a dip in the bed on Bucky’s side. 

“Did it help?” you asked and looked back at the little pods. 

“Did what help?” 

“The bath. Did it help?”

“Oh,” Bucky cleared his throat. “I think it would take a steamroller to undo the years of knots I have.” He didn’t try and take a bath but he knew no amount of water could take away that tension. 

You pulled the glasses off and scooped everything off of the bed and onto the nightstand. “Lay on your stomach,” you demanded and pulled your hair back out of your face. His eyes were wide but he slowly laid down on his back and looked over at you. Was he still in one of his daydreams? “On your stomach, doofus!” 

He shook his head and rolled over. This was less sexy but he could work with it. Honestly, it was a miracle that he didn’t get a boner when he felt you climb on top of him, resting on his rear end, your silky legs stradling either side of him. 

You cracked your knuckles and pinched at his shoulders, working on his knots. Damn, he wasn’t kidding about his knots. He winced in discomfort. “Sorry, it’s going to be unpleasant at first but you need these out. It’ll help you sleep and improve your mood,” you informed him.

“Has my mood needed improving?” he asked innocently. Sure he could be a little moody and quiet and morose. But that had more to do with the guilt than the muscle tension. 

You chuckled and kept working on his shoulders. “No, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But it will help,” you assured him. And even though it took awhile to really work them out, eventually his knots began to fade away. The discomfort and pain shifted into relaxing pleasure. 

Once you felt satisfied with how loose his shoulders were, you moved down and began working on his back. “You’re good at this,” Bucky remarked. You truly were. In fact, you were doing such a good job at relaxing him, he found his mind wasn’t even focusing on your skin and your closeness - just the comfort. 

You laughed proudly. “Yes, well I used to give my -” You froze, your words and your fingers. He felt your body stiffen on top of him and, even when you relaxed, you were still tense. “I have a lot of practice,” you added quietly. 

Bucky shuffled around as smoothly as possible so as to not throw you off his body, but he wanted to face you. You were still straddled above him, only now he was on his back. He grabbed your wrists so that you had to confront him on this. “What happened to your fiance?” he asked. 

Maybe he had overstepped his bounds. But he felt like all he did was dance around the subject when this was clearly an important part of your life, even if it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Besides, you had promised to allow him to get to know you. This is what he wanted to know. 

You sighed and pursed your lips. “I met him in high school and we reconnected in college. He was a doctor. . . a medical doctor,” you explained to him quietly and gently pulled your wrists from his grasp. So his hands settled softly on your thighs. 

“He was my partner, too. I mean, the project was my own but I consulted with him whenever I needed an opinion on human biology or anatomy. I was the first to use the machine and my new serum. He was the second and everything seemed fine,” you continued. 

You turned your head away and Bucky gave you a reassuring squeeze. If you needed to stop, you could. But he would love it if you kept going. It would be good to have this all out in the open. He wouldn’t be navigating a minefield anymore either. 

You sniffled and turned back to him. “Do you know how he proposed? It was really sweet. We were back home and staying with his parents for Thanksgiving. God, we were so young. I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. Wait - did I ever tell you that I skipped two grades in middle school?”

“Anyway,” you kept rambling, your words growing faster and faster but Bucky clung to each one, “He had his mom make an apple pie and instead of doing a lattice design, she cut out dough shaped like a ring. When I pulled it from the oven, he got on one knee in front of his whole family.”

Bucky smiled gently up at you. He surprised himself because he wasn’t even jealous or envious. In that one moment, he felt your genuine happiness as you relived that moment. He only wished he could make you that happy all of the time. “Keep going,” he reassured you. 

“I don’t want you to think less of me,” you whispered. Your lip quivered and you rested your hands on his. “Or pity me. I think that would be worse.” You looked him deep in the eyes, pleading with just a look not to make you go on because he was the last person you had that treated you normally. 

He held up his metal hand. “Do you pity me?” he asked plainly. From your actions, he knew that you didn’t. And you weren’t a liar so he knew that there wasn’t a pity for him hiding inside of you. You shook your head. “Do you think less of me because you know what I’ve done?” Now that was the question he was more nervous about. He’d never blame you if you said that you did. But his stomach knotted in anticipation anyway. 

“No,” you said quietly. He sighed in relief. 

“Then trust me when I tell you I won’t pity you and there is nothing you could ever do to make me hate you,” he swore. You slipped off of him and pulled your knees up to your chest. After a long inhale and longer exhale, you decided that he was telling the truth. 

“I was recruited by Ross. Even after the success, it didn’t feel right. I grew paranoid that this was going to be weaponized. My father… he was a history professor. I spent my entire life hearing about Captain America and the Howling Commandos,” you confessed. It was enough to make you blush. You had really meant it when you said that most of what you knew about Bucky came from a textbook - it came from the ones your father had written and preached. 

“I think that’s why I felt so drawn to the project. Regardless, my fiance was pushing us not to sell. Not to the US government. Not to SHIELD. The money would’ve set us up for life, though. It would’ve paid for our student loans and for a house. For everything we would ever need. It was tempting.” 

“We ultimately agreed that we would make a final decision and register a patent after we got back from our honeymoon. I hadn’t even gotten in my dress yet on our wedding day when I got an alert that someone was in my lab.”

“I guess he thought that I would be too preoccupied with our wedding to worry about the lab but my life’s work was in there. I went down to check on it even though I knew I would be late to my wedding. But it didn’t matter.”

“He was stealing it all,” your voice cracked. The betrayal still felt as fresh today as it did years ago when it happened. “I destroyed it all. And he got so angry. I had never seen him so angry.”

Bucky sat up and slipped an arm around your waist. “You can stop,” he told you because you were getting worked up. He didn’t want you to cry but there were tears anyway. You had come this far and he would hear the rest. 

“It turns out he didn’t want SHIELD or the government to buy my work because he had already lined up to give it to Hydra. The whole time, our whole relationship. . . He had been with Hydra and just wanted my work. And since I destroyed it, he was going to take me with him to recreate it.”

You leaned your head against Bucky’s shoulder and exhaled slowly, wiping away a stray tear. “I killed him. I was so scared and I didn’t want him to take me. They would’ve broken me and I would’ve given them what they wanted. I couldn’t let it happen.” You used your shirt to wipe the tears that were now flowing heavily. 

“The only man I ever loved had been sent to spy on me the moment I accepted my first scholarship. And all he ever wanted was my work. And then I killed him,” you summarized before laughing just to try and hide the tears. 

“So you sure you don’t think less of me?” you asked, too afraid to look over at him lest you be drowned in his pity. He pulled you in closer and you melted into his embrace. Right now, all you really did need was a good hug and his arms were big and safe. 

“Why would I think less of you?” Bucky asked.

“Because I killed my fiance on our wedding day. Because I was too much of a coward to fight him or run or-”

Bucky shook his head and cut you off. “You did what you had to do to survive. You did what needed to be done to protect everyone. Don’t ever, for a second, doubt the choice you made,” he told you firmly.

You glanced up at him and nodded. Had you fought, you would’ve lost. Had you run, he would’ve found you. Then Hydra would’ve pulled the information from your tortured body and created an army of super soldiers. You had been put in a corner and had made the best choice. 

After inhaling slowly and, once more, exhaling even slower, you allowed your body to relax. It was silly to get worked up over something that happened years ago. “I’m just embarrassed that I ever loved him. And sometimes I feel like I still love him,” you admitted bashfully. That was something you had never confessed out loud. 

“I want to believe that I can move on. It’s just hard to think that there’s someone who’d really love me for me,” you chuckled sadly. “My baggage is so pathetic.” You were ashamed. When comparing your situation to Steve’s (waking up seventy years in the future) or Tony’s (falling from space after saving New York from both aliens and a nuke) or Nat’s (a horrible life plagued with blood and death), you didn’t feel like you had a right to complain. It just built up inside you like a bubble ready to burst. Regardless of all that, your own secret thoughts tore you down completely until all that was left was a husk of a girl who felt completely worthless and unlovable who hid those feelings behind a constant smile. 

It was hard to believe in love when the only person you ever cared for had been a liar and used you. It was hard to move on from that. “The right person is out there for you somewhere,” Bucky promised you. You only chuckled because he sounded like a fortune cookie or newspaper horoscope. Cheesy. What you didn’t realize is that what he had meant to say was ‘the right person is here.’ He was right here! He would love you unconditionally! 

“I think if and when I meet this person. . . I guess I’ll know,” you sighed. That didn’t bode well for Bucky. You had already met him and apparently it wasn’t a love connection - not on your end anyway. The ever present butterflies in his gut seemed to wither away and die at that realization. As much as he tried and hoped, maybe it was time to face the facts. While you were it for him, he clearly wasn’t it for you. 

You kissed his forehead which left a searing mark on his skin that burned even as you walked away. “Thank you, Bucky.” You washed up and splashed cold water on your face before crawling back into bed. “You know, next time we have an emotional heart-to-heart, I think it should be about you. No more me crying about my love life,” you chuckled. You weren’t really teasing though. It had been hard for you to share your painful past and it wasn’t fair that you were vulnerable in front of him and he had yet to be vulnerable in front of you.

Well. . . emotionally vulnerable that is. You tried not to think about his penis. 

You curled into a tight ball under the blankets. Crying had taken it out of you so sleep came quickly to you. Your hands really were magic so Bucky found that sleep was also calling his name and hours earlier than it normally did. “I love you,” he confessed quietly to you before passing out. For everything that you were, that you are, and that you would be. He loved you. So you didn’t need to give up on love. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked this! Sometimes I feel like I can make things too complicated or too simple and sometimes it ends up being a weird combination of both? So I hope it makes sense and y'all enjoyed it :)


	10. Blush - An Undercover Story (part five - final part)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last part of the mission kind of goes sideways but it only makes Bucky's feelings for you grow stronger
> 
> (I'm bad at wrapping things up so here's this :) Getting back to the usual stuff in the next chapter - it's a really good one)

You were careful not to wake Bucky when you rolled out of bed. This was probably the best sleep he had gotten in ages so you let him enjoy it for as long as his body allowed. But shortly after the bathroom door clicked shut and the shower turned on, Bucky stirred anyway. But that was alright; for once, he felt well-rested. 

You came out all dressed up for the day but your hair was still in a towel. Bucky eyed you curiously as you pulled a necklace from your bag and slipped it on around your neck. “Didn’t you just take a bath last night?” he asked. Why had you taken a shower then this morning? You just smiled and moved in front of the mirror so you could do your hair. His eyes grew wide. He had connected the dots but he wasn’t sure if the picture he had created was the right one so he decided not to jump to any conclusions. 

How could he not though?! Were you on the other side of the wall touching yourself? That just wasn’t fair. Was it for stress relief like you claimed or was it from something else? This was absolutely killing him inside. Too bad the two of you had work to do so it would have to be put off until later. 

“We have to be at the airport by five so let’s get in and out,” you said as the two of you left the hotel. It was time to finish the last part of the mission but it was supposed to be relatively easy. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

It wasn’t. You dragged Bucky’s body over to the car which was in terrible shape from the terrible tumble it took. The door was stuck but that wasn’t going to stop you. Thank goodness you had that super soldier strength because you were able to yank it loose with nothing more than a good grip on the handle. 

Bucky was barely conscious but you got him in the passenger seat before sliding behind the wheel and getting the hell out of there. The two of you had been ambushed and outnumbered. It was a miracle that both of you made it out alive. Even though he was in rough shape, you were going to make sure that he survived. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Bucky woke to an empty room and an ache that wrapped around his body like a blanket. He winced and attempted to sit up but the slightest of movements made him ache even more. Steve was the first in the room and nearly dropped his coffee. He left for two minutes and missed his best friend waking up! 

“Careful,” he warned his pal before using a remote to sit the bed up that way Bucky didn’t need to exert himself. “Got pretty rough there for awhile but I’m glad to see you pulled through,” he grinned and resisted the urge to pat him on the shoulder because he was sure that would just hurt. 

Bucky didn’t even time to ask what had happened when you came bursting into the room, sliding on the linoleum from the speed you had picked up. You nearly slammed into the doorframe but at least you had enough balance to keep that from happening. Your chest heaved heavily and you smiled. “How d’you feel?” you asked. 

You had been spending all of your time in the lab because it was pretty important that you dealt with those vials that you had stolen from the gala. But you had a beeper set up to go off the moment Bucky woke up so you came running as soon as it beeped. 

Bucky managed a small grin. “Better,” he said hoarsely. Much better now that you were here. Looking at you and hearing your voice was almost medicine enough. . . but the actual medicine he was on was good, too. Steve raised his eyebrow and chuckled. It was amusing how clueless you still seemed to be about how Bucky felt about you. 

You moved to his bedside and looked over his monitor. His signs were all stable and he was on a fast track to a full recovery. “You know, you scared me shitless,” you mentioned after Steve had left the two of you alone. “I really thought you might die on me and in Florida of all places.”

The two of you shared a chuckle. Bucky vaguely remembered being pulled out of the car and hearing what had to have been your voice. “Please don’t die. Please don’t leave me.” He was fairly positive that that was a memory and not a dream. Regardless, it gave him those pesky butterflies again. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised and looked up at you. Was it bad for him to get his hopes up? Every time that he seemed to be pulled back down to the ground, you did something that sent him soaring. You were genuinely worried about him! Surely that meant that there was something there. . . right?

“Well good,” you smiled. “Now I can be mad at you for passing out and missing me kick a bunch of ass.” You laughed because you obviously weren’t mad. It was disappointing though. Now that you finally proved yourself, there was no one there to witness. 

Bucky smiled and took your wrist to bring you into the light a little better. “I believe you. How else would you have gotten that nice little scar?” Your left eye was still bruised and you had fabric strip bandages on your opposite cheek. Your lip was busted and there was a faint scar on your chin. He couldn’t even see all of the bruises under your clothing but he wasn’t in the best position to imagine you nude at the moment. 

You pulled up a chair and sat beside him. “I’m sorry I didn’t keep you company until you woke up. I’m really close to figuring out how they synthesized the formula in those vials though,” you informed him. Of course you did! You were so brilliant and he never had any doubt. 

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” he assured you. You were here now and that meant the world to him. “Looks like you took enough of a beating without adding to it,” he teased. 

“Hey!” you laughed. It had to all be in his head, but he swore that the aches in his body melted at the sound of your laugh. Each chuckle and giggle numbed his pain. 

He grinned and squeezed your hand. “In all seriousness, are you okay?” he asked, his whole demeanor changing. You pulled your hand from his and tucked your hair back. 

“I’m okay,” you promised him. Was he interpreting the way you were looking at him wrong or was there really something there? He knew he was a fool to hope but he couldn’t help it. There had to be something there, even if it was as small as seed. He just needed to be patient and water it properly, leave it to blossom on its own. 

You brushed your fingers through his hair. “You should rest. I’ll come back later but I have lots of work to do,” you told him gently. “I’m glad you’re okay.” You offered a parting smile before going back to your lab. After seeing him doing so well, you did feel very relieved. You felt responsible for his safety since you were the one to save him. If something had happened then you never would have forgiven yourself. 

Bucky had a dorky smile that he couldn’t wipe from his face. There was something there. He felt it. You were so worried about him! How else was he supposed to take that? Maybe he should shoot his shot here soon. He had a feeling that it would work out. 

Sam was the next person to come visit Bucky. “You look like shit,” he smirked. Bucky narrowed his eyes at Sam; he knew that that was just about the nicest it was going to get. He’d take it though. 

“So do you but what’s your excuse?” Bucky cracked back. The two shared a sly look and secret chuckle before Sam settled in. 

“Saw (Y/N) on her way out. Half expected to see you with a boner when I came in,” Sam laughed. He had only been half kidding. To everyone but you, his infatuation with you was still blatantly obvious. 

Bucky narrowed his eyes again. He wasn’t a savage. He could touch himself in a hotel but he wasn’t going to do it in the medical bay. “I think there’s something there,” he admitted. He wasn’t normally the kind of guy to talk about this kind of stuff but he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to blow his chances if he asked you on a date. “I think I have a shot.”

“Because she came to visit you? Dude, I hate to break it to you but she’d do the same for anyone. She’s done the same to everyone. She’s just nice,” Sam explained. Bucky felt that familiar pull dragging him back to earth. Maybe it all had been in his head. You really were such a good person. . . 

Sam was probably right and you were just checking on him to be kind. His mind flashed back to when he squeezed your hand just a few minutes ago and you pulled it away. Why hadn’t he noticed that before? You weren’t into him. That’s just how you were. 

Bucky hid his disappointment as well as he could. “Too bad. Could’ve shown her what this arm could do,” he tried to make a joke out of it to mask how upset he was. He knew that letting himself get excited by the prospect of calling you his own would just lead him back down this same path - falling from the stars and crashing into the earth. 

“Gross. She’s like a sister!” Sam exclaimed and scrunched up his nose. He didn’t need the mental image of Bucky using his metal fingers between your legs. Gross! Bucky just shook his head. He couldn’t imagine anyone looking at you and not falling instantly in love. If only he had gotten as lucky as everyone else. If only he didn’t love you so ardently.


	11. In Ale We Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor brings Asgardian Ale which finally allows you to enjoy the benefits of overindulging in alcohol. Bucky finds that he can benefit from your lack of sobriety as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late! I was very busy yesterday so I hope this was worth the wait :)

“Thor!” You screamed loud enough to draw attention to the back of the room. Tony was throwing another one of his parties but it just wasn’t the same if the whole team wasn’t here. You bolted across the room and threw your arms around the large Asgardian. 

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around your waist. Dressed in modern clothing and with his hair pulled back, he really was a sight for sore eyes; he looked as if he could’ve just walked off a photoshoot. His jaw was chiseled and he had a twinkle in his eye. And Bucky was absolutely envious of him. Did you like Thor? How could Bucky ever compare to a god?

“I think you’re just excited because you know I brought presents,” Thor chuckled in that silky accent of his. Bucky moved from his spot to the other side of the room so that he couldn’t hear or see him - it was better for his ego. 

You smiled bashfully. “You know I’m happy to see you,” you chuckled but then held your hands out. “Now gimme, gimme.” Thor laughed and placed a jug in your hands. You gave him a quick peck on the cheek before running off with your spoils. 

Bucky lost track of you completely which was probably for the best. An hour passed until he caught sight of you. You were dancing to the music jamming through the speakers as Steve and Sam played pool beside you; since you weren’t very good at the game, you chose to just hang around. 

“Bucky!” you lit up when you saw him. “Where’d you run off to? You need to try this!” You grabbed your jug and an empty glass and filled it damn-near to the brim. “It’s from Asgard. Barrelled for what - a thousand years?” Steve nodded but his focus was mostly on the game and his casual conversation with Sam. 

Bucky eyed it curiously. “Try it!” you encouraged him. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve guessed that you were drunk - or at least a little tipsy. But you couldn’t get drunk and neither could he. That’s when he realized that even Steve had his own little glass of the substance though. Maybe this stuff was actually powerful enough to do the work that alcohol from earth could not. 

So he took a sip and fought the urge to make a face. He could handle liquor but this was particularly strong. How were you drinking this without mixing it with anything? And how were you drinking so much? When you weren’t looking, he poured most of his glass back in your jug before mixing the ale with some cola to hide the potency. 

He hung around and watched as Steve and Sam finished their game. As usual, he had a hard time taking his eyes off of you. He devoured every inch of exposed flesh which made his heart race. Damnit, Bucky - feet on the ground! No more floating off into space. It didn’t help that you kept swaying your hips and laughing. How was he not supposed to be attracted to that? 

Sam and Steve finished their game but didn’t walk off without sharing a knowing look. Steve stopped by Bucky and leaned in to ask, “Mind keeping an eye on her? Whenever Thor comes in, she tends to make a fool of herself.” Sam shook his head and the two moved away from the pool table. Even if Sam was overprotective of you, Steve was starting to root for the two of you to get together. 

Not that Bucky could tell. Maybe Steve should’ve phrased his sentence a little better. What he had meant was that Thor always brought you Asgardian Ale and you always drank far too much which resulted in you making poor decisions. What Bucky heard, though, was that you were smitten with the god of thunder and he should be your wingman. Even though he would do anything for you, setting you up with someone else might be asking for too much.

You boogied over time Bucky, shaking your hips and moving your arms the whole time. “Dance with me,” you said in a sing-songy voice. “Let’s have some fun.” You took his arms and swung them. But Bucky wasn’t really a dancer so he just stood there and let you move his hands for him. 

After taking another sip of your drink, you moved back to the pool table. “Fine. Have it your way, Mr. Grumpy. Let’s play pool then,” you suggested. That was a little more his speed so he stepped up to the table. 

He went first because you seemed way too entertained with the blue chalk used on the tip of the cue stick. When he turned to tell you that it was your turn to go and that you were playing the striped balls, you caught his nose with the chalk. You rubbed it against the tip like his face was the cue stick. When you pulled away, his nose was blue and you laughed. 

Bucky pursed his lips and nodded. Now he knew what Steve really meant. Luckily, he wasn’t annoyed by your antics; he found it charming and adorable. He chuckled and wiped his nose off. “Alright, Picasso, no more playing with chalk,” he smiled and confiscated your new toy. 

Turns out he should’ve confiscated your cue stick too. You slammed into the balls way too hard (and on your first turn, too) causing the red ball to go shooting off the table and rolling across the floor. “Oopsie!”

You went scrambling after it. Your gaze was set so intently on the floor that you didn’t realize you were on a collision course until you rammed into Thor and fell back on your butt. “Looking for this?” He asked with a chuckle and helped you up with ease. But instead of just helping you up onto your feet, he tossed you over his shoulder. 

Bucky frowned and watched the interaction from across the room. You had such a good chemistry with Thor. It was natural and light and fun. He wasn’t sure he’d ever have that with you. With you he was comfortable and relaxed and happy, but he still had this dark cloud that hung around him that kept him from ever doing anything like that to you. Lord Above, he wished he had the courage to just pick you up like that; look at how much you were laughing. 

Thor moved over to the pool table and so Bucky figured he was going to drop you off so that the two of you could finish the game that had just barely begun. But instead, Thor just confiscated the bottle of ale to cut you off and carried you across the room. And that was that. It seemed to be that you were his and not Bucky’s. Your half-full glass of ale was still on the side of the pool table so Bucky snatched it up and downed it in one miserable gulp before sulking off.

He would catch a glimpse of you here and there but really he didn’t see you for the rest of the party. Bucky had found where Thor stashed your bottle of ale and he took it for his own. After settling on the couch where he could lazily sip at the booze, he didn’t move again until everyone had left and most of the lights had been shut off.

“Buck,” you smiled and plopped down beside him on the couch. “I feel like I barely saw you all night!” You scooted in close and moved an arm around his shoulder. Even from where he was, he could smell the alcohol on your breath. “I missed you.”

“Did you now?” he asked lazily. It didn’t feel like you had missed him. You had seemed very happily preoccupied with better-in-every-way Thor. He took another sip from the jug before your greedy hands pulled it from his grip; stupid everyone trying to cut you off! You pressed the bottle to your lips and let the liquid pour over your tongue and burn its way down your gullet. 

You slammed the bottle down beside you before nodding. “I did. I missed you,” you assured him before crawling onto his lap. You ran both sets of fingers through his hair, his whole demeanor changing in just one instant. His bitter jealousy melted away at your touch. What were you doing?

He allowed himself the pleasure of holding your hips. Oh how perfect they felt in his hands - two opposing magnets locked into place against each other. You leaned in close and he felt his lips tingle but you were just getting close to whisper in his ear, “Want to hear a secret?” 

“What’s your secret?” he asked you. While he had had quite a bit to drink, it was only enough to make him feel warm and fuzzy whereas you were completely plastered. If it wasn’t clear from the smell on your breath or the glassiness of your eyes, it was from your behavior which was far more comfortable and inappropriate than usual. 

You moved your hands down to his shoulders and bit your lower lip. He gripped onto your hips a little tighter to still them as you slowly began to roll against his waist. “Do you remember back in Palm Beach when you woke up and I was taking a shower? Even though I had already taken a bath the night before?” Bucky nodded excitedly albeit nervously. 

You grabbed his right hand and pulled it further up your side. “I was thinking about you,” you giggled. You then took his left hand and pulled it to your lips where you sucked on his thumb. Bucky groaned quietly and shifted beneath you because you were playing a very dangerous game. “I have a good mental image, you know. Since I walked in on you.”

Well, that was a lot of information to take in. So you really had touched yourself in that hotel bathroom knowing he was there on the other side of the door. In fact, you had been touching yourself thinking about him. . . thinking about him naked. You must’ve liked what you walked in on more than he had figured. 

“What’re you saying, (Y/N)?” Bucky cleared his throat. Were you really attracted to him? He felt his feet leave the ground even as he tried commanding them to say. Whenever you were around, he couldn’t help but float amongst the stars. And now, it felt as if you were floating there beside him. 

“Well, here’s another secret,” you whispered loudly. “I haven’t slept with anyone since my fiance. I thought you had to be in love to have sex but I don’t think that’s true because I really, really, really want to sleep with you.” You rolled your hips further into his with each ‘really’.

Bucky had been so excited for that one single second where you admitted you wanted to sleep with him. That’s something he had been waiting months for. But then why did you have to ruin it by saying that you didn’t love him? That just broke his heart and made him feel small even if it had been unintentional. 

He grabbed your wrist while you attempted to undo his zipper. You looked at him with big, doe eyes and cocked your head to the side. “Don’t you want it, too?” you asked innocently. While it would be a blow to your ego, you would understand if he wasn’t attracted to you. But clearly he wasn’t having sex with other women and you weren’t having sex with other men so shouldn’t the two of you find some relief in each other?

Bucky wished he could say yes. But there were a hundred reasons to decline. “You’re drunk, (Y/N). You don’t mean it,” he said and moved you off of his lap. Surely when you woke up sober, you would be completely ashamed and, adding insult to injury, would never approach him with an offer like that again. He wouldn’t take advantage of you. There, that was one of the million reasons not to sleep with you tonight. 

“I do mean it,” your lip quivered. “Bucky, I do.” 

He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “You don’t. Goodnight, (Y/N). Go sleep off that booze.” He jammed his hands in his pockets before sulking back to his bedroom. Tonight had gone from bad to worse. It was like everything he touched turned to ash. No, that wasn’t it. It was everything he loved and hoped for - that’s what turned to ash. 

He had barely climbed into bed when there was a small knock on the door. You pushed it open and barely stepped inside, leaning back against it to shut it. “I’m sorry,” you whimpered, your cheeks tear-stained, “I’m sorry, Bucky. I don’t know what I did. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Any sort of negative emotions that were rattling around inside of him - embarrassment, disappointment, anger - were swallowed up by guilt and sympathy. There was nothing worse than seeing you cry. He sat up and spoke quietly, “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” He had been more mad at himself for not being good enough to be loved by you. 

You nodded fervently. “You’re upset. I made you leave. I’m so sorry. Please,” you cried and rushed over to him. You climbed back on top of him but didn’t make any move this time. Instead, you threw your arms around his shoulders and buried your face in his neck. 

Bucky rubbed your back and hushed you gently. “I’m fine. Really, I am. And so are you so you need to stop crying. Okay?” He lifted your chin and wiped away the tears on your face.

“Okay,” you managed and exhaled a shaky breath. You held tightly onto his shirt and looked him deep in the eyes. “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?” You still weren’t even sure what you had done but you’d never do it again. 

“I could never be mad at you,” Bucky promised. His heart still ached but at least he had you in his arms for now. He tucked your hair back and took your hands. “We should get you to bed.” You were clearly going through all of the motions of being drunk - giddy, horny, sad. At least you didn’t get angry; he couldn’t imagine you really angry. 

You shook your head and latched onto him with an iron grip. “Let me stay. Please, let me stay,” you begged. Bucky raised his eyebrow. He had to make sure that this wasn’t a ploy for you to try and get in his pants. But one pitiful look from you and he caved. 

He sighed and moved you off of his lap and onto the bed beside him before turning off the light and moving under the covers. You were laying on your side facing him so he turned his head to look over at you, too. “Do you think in the morning,” you asked and scooted in closer to him so that there was just a breath’s space between the two of you, “that maybe you’ll want me then?” you asked. 

Since you had only ever pursued one person before, you weren’t used to the sting of rejection; it still left a tingling ache in your ego. “I don’t think you will want me then,” Bucky sighed. You were only after him because you were drunk and horny. Besides, you said you only wanted to sleep when you were in love and who was he to ruin that for his own selfish gain?

“I think I will,” you said calmly before yawning. “You’re one of my best friends, you know. So it won’t be too weird if you see my boobies. I trust you.” You moved back on top of him, your head resting in the crook of his neck, one of your arms and one of your legs draped over his body. 

He sighed. Maybe if you hadn’t said “boobies” then he would’ve at least considered taking you seriously. “Just get some sleep,” he said. Bucky needed you to fall asleep before you said anything else that confused his feelings further. But by the time the words left his mouth, you were already sound asleep. 

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed gently. It wasn’t fair for you to play him like this. But, he supposed, you didn’t know how he felt about you so he couldn’t blame you. . . not until he told you his true feelings anyway. Who knew when that would be, though. He gingerly draped his arm over your body and allowed himself to relax. You really did feel like you belonged here with him. You had almost admitted so yourself. You had admitted quite a lot actually. 

You liked him and apparently you liked him sexually. You considered him your best friend. You’d feel safe having him see you naked. You wanted the comfort of sleeping beside him (more like on top of him). But you didn’t love him. If he wasn’t stressed and confused before, he certainly was now.


	12. Tenderly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the fluffiest chapter ever. . . I'm not saying you should enjoy it while you can but. . . you should enjoy it while you can. :)

Bucky woke long before you did. He had slept so soundly that he didn’t realize how tightly you had pressed against him throughout the night. Until you woke up and he could tell for sure, he was under the impression it would take a crowbar to separate you from him; but he didn’t mind it so much. 

He laid there silently for what felt like a timeless period. It could’ve been forever or just a single second. You were warm - warm enough that the half of his body that wasn’t touching yours felt ice cold. If he listened carefully, he could hear your short little breaths and, when he looked closely, he could see your eyelids fluttering; hopefully your dreams were pleasant because his certainly had been. 

You groaned gently and stretched before your eyes slowly blinked open. You stared up at Bucky for a moment, a hazy lust in your eyes. Then you realized that you weren’t still in a dream. You blinked rapidly and wiped the sleep from your eyes before propping yourself up on one arm so that you were no longer laying Bucky but, instead, hovering above him. 

“Hi,” you smiled gently. Maybe Bucky was crazy, but he could’ve sworn you were blushing. Just what had you been dreaming about?! 

“Hi,” Bucky smiled. As he reached up to tuck your hair back, you pulled away quickly. At least it wasn’t a knee-jerk reaction to him attempting to touch you; instead, you bolted to the bathroom where you hurled your guts out. 

Bucky came in after and rubbed your back before getting filling a little paper cup that he normally used for mouthwash with water. Maybe you’d need the mouthwash too. 

You leaned your head back and groaned. That hadn’t been the most attractive. Bucky knelt beside you and continued to rub your back. “I said some pretty embarrassing stuff last night, huh?” you laughed. Little snippets of what you had said (and things you had thought) began popping into your mind. Luckily (or unluckily), you couldn’t even remember everything that you had said and done. 

“Well, you had a lot to drink,” Bucky chuckled and helped you up. It was hard to judge exactly how you were feeling. You woke up and gave him bedroom eyes but now you were throwing up and seemingly regretful. 

“I appreciate you not doing anything,” you said and sat on the edge of his bed. He sat beside you as you began to play with the ends of your hair. “Thanks for not taking advantage or anything.” Okay, well at least he could tell your intentions now. Whatever sort of sensuality you had been expressing when you woke up must’ve been leftovers from whatever dream you had. It was probably some steamy, raunchy sex dream about Thor. 

“Yeah,” Bucky forced a smile. “Yeah, of course.” Part of him wished he had taken you up on your offer since you clearly hadn’t meant it when you drunkenly said you’d still want him when you were sober. But it wouldn’t have been the same and he could never have taken advantage like that. 

You sighed and pushed yourself off the bed. “Well, I’m going to take a cold shower and drink a gallon of coffee to try and shake this hangover,” you declared. You stopped right as you got to his door and spun around on your heels. 

“Did I say something about you seeing my boobs last night?” you asked but didn’t give him time to answer. “I think I remember that.” Even though you couldn’t remember the whole context, you did know that you said it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable if he saw them. So, you lifted your top and flashed him quickly before winking and stepping out the door. 

Bucky sat there dumbfounded, his jaw on the floor and his tongue rolled out like a carpet. It didn’t matter that he had only gotten a second’s look at them because, as he stared straight ahead, he could still make out the phantom outline of them. One look had been enough for him to permanently memorize the roundness of each breast and the size of each nipple. 

How could he not picture his hands around them? How could he not imagine his tongue curling around your stiffened nipples now? His imagination really ran amuck and he didn’t even realize he was hard until he was picturing you pressing your breasts together so he could thrust his cock between them. You were the devil for doing this to him. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

After taking separate cold showers, you and Bucky spent some the day apart. Bucky was embarrassed because, even though you didn’t know it, he had gotten himself off to the thought of you (again) and because you had playfully shown him your boobs for just a moment. It had been relatively innocent and fun. It was clear that you didn’t feel as strongly for him as he felt for you so he should just move on. But he couldn’t. 

You, on the other hand, had been hiding from Bucky because you were embarrassed with how you acted last night. Admitting that you thought about him with his pants down around his ankles?! That had been a humiliating day for both of you so why did you bring it back up and why did you sexualize it?! And all because you got a little horny as soon as you had a little bit of alcohol in you. 

Because you had been hungover, you tried to sleep it off. But you had slept so soundly in Bucky’s arms that you weren’t tired until nightfall arrived. You tossed and turned in your bed but just couldn’t fall asleep. “This is ridiculous,” you huffed and kicked the covers off the bed like a child before storming out of your room to go to the gym. Maybe a few miles on a treadmill would help wear you down. 

You bumped straight into Bucky as you exited into the hall. He had been pacing in front of your door for the better part of an hour, too nervous to knock but not nervous enough to go back to his room. Now he felt sheepish because he had to explain what he was doing outside of your room. “Is everything okay?” you asked and held your hands behind your back. 

Bucky nodded and scratched his head. The poor guy’s face was bright red and he was struggling to maintain eye contact. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, “It’s kind of late. I see you’re having trouble sleeping, too. . . I think I’m just tense.”

It took a moment for you to decipher his intentions. Heaven forbid he find the courage to come out and say it. The man had a ridiculously high kill count but didn’t have the nerve to ask you to rub his shoulders. A coy smile pressed onto your lips. “You want me to massage you again? Y’know, I should charge for that,” you chuckled. 

If it was possible, his face grew brighter - a red glow in the otherwise dim hallway. “I could. . . well, it’d be only fair - it’d only be fair if I. . . if you wanted one, you know,” he stammered and began to walk away without another word. He was certain he couldn’t have blown his chance any more. 

But you laughed and moved after him, taking his hand to stop him from leaving. “I think that’s fair,” you smiled. You were ridiculously tense anyway since you hadn’t gotten a proper massage in a long time. Besides, it felt nice to look after somebody and if it helped him sleep, knowing that would help you sleep better as well. 

Since you were already there, you just pulled him into your bedroom. There were half a dozen candles lit, all in various scents like lavender and vanilla, that you thought would help make the room more calming to help you fall asleep. If you had known that Bucky was coming, you would’ve put them out so the atmosphere didn’t seem so romantic. At this point, though, you just let them burn. 

The air grew tense and uncomfortable enough to make you laugh nervously. How had it been so natural before but seemed so unnatural now? This sort of thing didn’t normally make you feel bashful. You slowly moved onto the bed and rested on your knees. 

Bucky breathed heavily and moved beside you. He opened his mouth to speak but figured that he’d only make things more awkward. You glanced over at him before slowly pulling your shirt off over your head and letting it fall to the floor. Maybe moving slow was the issue because suddenly there was a warmth between your legs. 

You shook your head and laughed again before putting your hair up. “It’s just my shoulders,” you told him quietly. He didn’t have to go crazy and rub your whole back. As long as he got your knots out, you’d call it even. For him to really get your shoulders like he needed to, you moved your bra straps off and held the cups a little tighter to your chest to make sure you didn’t flash him for the second time that day. 

Bucky breathed heavily but slowly to keep himself level. This wasn’t sexual. You were just two friends helping each other fall asleep. That seemed sexual. Oh he was in a tizzy. At least you had turned so your back was facing him and you couldn’t see him looking up past the stars as he prayed to anyone who would listen to help him not ruin this moment. 

You flinched as his cold metal fingers pressed against your burning skin. “Sorry,” you both apologized at the same time. “I’m sorry, it’s just cold. That’s all,” you assured him and glanced back. “I promise.” You weren’t afraid of his metal hand but it would’ve been nice if he had warmed it up a little first. 

He was surprised at the size of your knots; you’d give a sailor a run for his money. Your head hung down and you’d wince or groan as he rubbed in deeper to loosen your muscles. And after awhile, you began to feel loose and relaxed. In fact, you even started to nod off. 

“Let me do you now,” you whispered through a stifled yawn. If he worked on you much longer, then you’d fall asleep before he got his turn and that wouldn’t be fair. So Bucky pulled off his own shirt and began to turn around so his back was towards you when he saw you yawn yet again. 

“Just lay down, (Y/N),” he said softly. He didn’t mind missing his turn. Besides, he had thoroughly enjoyed being given consent to touch you like this. You gave him one final look - one last chance to change his mind because when your head hit the pillow, you wouldn’t be getting back up. “You can do it next time,” he assured you to make you feel better. 

So you laid down on your stomach and shut your eyes. His hands moved over the smooth skin on your back. He was tempted to undo your bra so that he could have full access to your body but that didn’t seem appropriate. Besides, you fell asleep shortly after closing your eyes anyway. 

You hadn’t invited him to stay but he didn’t want to go. After last night, and considering how you were the one to bring him in your room, he figured it would be alright to say. He didn’t even need a massage because sleeping beside you was enough. 

Bucky laid down on his side and looked at you with nothing but love in his eyes. As you always seemed to do, you were drawn to the heat of his body. You rolled over and pressed your chest against his, your face dangerously close to his. There was a lot of skin touching skin and it was very intimate but it wasn’t sexual. He felt safe and warm just as you did. Maybe your drunken self had been wrong because there couldn’t be nothing between the two of you because, just holding you now, it felt like everything. He placed a kiss on your forehead before drifting off to sleep with you wrapped tightly in his arms for the second night in a row.


	13. Freeze This Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the moment you've been waiting for :) but don't worry, this isn't the end. Not saying you should be nervous for what's to come but. . . I'm also not :) So enjoy the smut for now :)

Your hands moved up Bucky’s chest and around his neck before lazily tangling in his hair. The two of you were close enough that, if you paid close enough attention, you could faintly feel his breath against your skin. Your eyes slowly fluttered open and you were allowed a turn to take in every detail of his face as he slept. 

He inhaled sharply and you were afraid that somehow you had stirred enough to wake him. But instead he just nuzzled his face in closer against you, the tip of his nose ever so slightly pressed against yours. He wrapped his arms around you a little tighter, closing any space that might’ve still been between the two of you. 

It had been a really long time since you had been held like this. Looking back at the time with your ex-fiance, you knew that it hadn’t even been authentic either. But this? Did Bucky have feelings for you? Because this certainly felt real. 

His arms around you weren’t the only thing you felt. Your skin grew warm from timidity. Bucky was having a wet dream about you (and while it was hardly the first time, it was the first time he had had one while in bed with you). You had only ever been with one man but you had definitely been thinking about him lately - you were definitely thinking about him now. 

Bucky groaned before his eyes flew open. He pulled away from you, completely red in the face. While he could hope that you didn’t feel what was going on in his pants, he knew that you most certainly had. Before he could roll out of bed and hide in the bathroom, you grabbed his hand and pulled him back in. 

“Stay,” you whispered. Your heart hammered against your chest and you began to wonder if you were making a mistake. He wasn’t your boyfriend. You weren’t even sure what you felt for him at this point. In fact, the more you thought about it, you weren’t even sure what he thought about you either. Maybe it should’ve been obvious but it wasn’t obvious to you. 

Bucky’s own heart was racing as well. How many times had he come plummeting back to the ground after you got his hopes up? Yet he found himself soaring anyway. He knew this was it. What was that saying - a drunk person’s words were their sober self’s thoughts; maybe you really had meant it when you said that you wanted him. 

The tension was electric enough to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. If you didn’t make a move now, you’d just let him slip through your fingers again. You weren’t sure if you could handle another night with the fire between your legs. So you yanked him in closer and barely caught his lips against yours. 

Bucky’s heart had completely stopped; he was certain he had died. The embarrassment from pressing his morning wood against your leg was enough to give him a heart attack and now he was in heaven. He looked into your nervous, expectant eyes. Wasn’t it clear how much he wanted this too? You didn’t need to be so worried that he wouldn’t reciprocate. 

He still wasn’t quite sure that this wasn’t heaven, but he was going to make the most of it regardless of how real it was. Bucky moved back in close to you and pulled you flush against him before kissing you again. 

You climbed onto his lap as his tongue pushed through your lips and curled over your own. Your fingers tangled in his hair as his hands moved around your waist and over your ass. As you pulled back just to catch your breath, he caught your lower lip between his teeth. 

Your body was tense with excitement and your fingers nearly trembled with anticipation as you moved them behind your back and undid the hooks of your bra. At the least the two of you were one step ahead and already shirtless. Bucky was left breathless as you slid the covering off your arms and tossed it to the floor. “What?” you laughed nervously. “You’ve seen them before.”

“Not like this,” he replied, nearly drooling at the sight of them. How many times had he pictured holding them, touching them? And now he no longer had to guess what they’d feel like in his hands as he grabbed onto them both. He’d catch your stiffened nipple between the side of his forefinger and your thumb, sending a shiver through your body every time. 

Bucky kissed across your jawline and down your neck before finally arriving at your nipples. His tongue traced around each nipple. He was careful to give them both equal attention as he sucked on each one, sometimes catching them gently with his teeth. 

Your core ached and burned and you were certain your panties were absolutely dripping at this point. Sitting on his lap, you could feel Bucky’s erection pressing firmly against the fabric of his pants. You desperately needed relief and tried to find some by grinding against him. “Fuck me,” you begged and leaned your head back. 

That caught Bucky off guard. Not only was that the first time he had heard you swear like that, but it was so incredibly hot and directed towards him. “Fuck me, please,” you begged again, softer and yet more urgently. 

He rolled you over so that you were under him and on your back. He hooked his fingers around the hem of your pants and yanked them down quickly past your ankles. He kissed down your body, across your stomach, and over top of your panties. You were right - they were sopping wet. 

His teasing was doing terrible things to you. You breathed heavily and dug your fingers into your sheets as he finally inched your panties now. Bucky had to remind himself to breathe after the corner of his vision began to turn black. He’d waited so long for this. 

Bucky grabbed your ankles and bent up your knees before spreading them completely apart. His hands parted your folds to give him unadulterated access to your entire being. He wasn’t afraid to dive in and get a little dirty - definitely not for you. 

You moaned gently as his tongue rolled up your slit vibrating over your clit. Your fingers moved from the sheets to his hair. The sensation was fantastic and you kept bending your legs inward and Bucky kept spreading them back apart. 

He only stopped so he could kiss back up your body and back to your lips. His left hand moved between your legs and he dipped two fingers into your core. Now you could finally see what his metal arm could do. His fingers pumped into you quickly, his thumb rubbing against your clit with each inwards motion. “Right there,” you encouraged him breathlessly as you felt yourself reaching the summit of euphoria. 

“Right there!” you moaned a little louder, Bucky’s right hand aching to be around your breast but resting beside you on the bed to keep himself balanced above you. Your body tensed and trembled as the first real orgasm you had had in years filled your body with ecstasy. 

You laughed happily and collapsed deeper into the bed, breathing heavily as stars seemed to dance around the room. That had been good but you were far from finished. Bucky had barely even gotten started. You sat up just enough to get a better peek at what he was packing (since the last time you had only gotten a quick glimpse). 

He didn’t disappoint. Bucky was rock solid and ready to go the moment his boxers dropped to the ground. He grabbed your ankles and yanked you a little closer before he eased in. You arched your back slowly and moaned as your body stretched to accommodate the size of his cock. 

He moved his left hand to your breast and cupped it once again in his palm. He grunted and smirked in pleasure. Your fingers, still shaky from adrenaline and the rush of hormones, curled around his wrist and you pulled his hand up to your neck. He was unsure at first - still not completely in love with his metal hand especially when comparing it to his right. If you wanted to be a dirty girl, he could choke you but he’d feel safer if it was with his right hand. 

“I’m not scared,” you whispered, closing your eyes as he pushed deeper inside you, filling you completely. You were still so sensitive that even the slightest motion in your body set you off. You curled your fingers over his so that they closed around your neck. Bucky smiled sweetly for one singular moment. This is exactly why you were the girl for him. So he kept his left hand around your neck, closed only tight enough that you’d feel his grip but not nearly tight enough to restrict air flow - he was very conscientious not to hurt you. 

Bucky found a rhythm that was both good for him and good for you. Your moans filled the room, even the dusty corners and the crevices between pieces of furniture and the wall. He rocked your body enough to make your breasts bounce - oh, he was obsessed with your boobs. 

He began to thrust inside you faster, his own groans layering over yours. “There, there,” you whispered again before whipping your hand over your mouth to stifle a loud scream as your body shook and trembled from a second orgasm - less powerful than the first but still strong enough to make you see stars again. 

Your walls tightened and throbbed against his cock which was still rubbing inside of you. It was a miracle he had lasted this long but hearing your screams was enough to bring him closer to the edge. 

He quickened his pace ever so slightly, a third harmony of his skin against skin adding to the song the two of you made with moans and sighs. “Oh my God!” you gasped, completely shocked by the sudden arrival and crescendo of a third orgasm - this one stronger than the rest. 

Your toes curled and your back arched so much that you were basically hovering off of the bed. Even though you covered your mouth and bit the inside of your cheek, it wasn’t enough to completely muffle your excited cries. Your entire being trembled and your eyes rolled back into your head. How had you gone your whole life not knowing you could feel something like this?

That was enough to finally send Bucky across the finish line. He released his grip on your throat and held tightly onto your waist as he pressed in as deep as he could manage, a motion that caused you to moan heavily and gasp, before releasing his seed inside you with a deep groan. 

He breathed heavily, taking just one second to relish in the moment. He had waited so long for this and it was just as good as he imagined it would be - no, it was better. After slowly pulling out of you, he collapsed beside you. He’d help you clean up in just a moment but he needed to catch his breath, the same as you. 

“I-” you began but had to stop when you realized that you had been fucked so thoroughly that you suddenly forgot all of the words. You were floating out in space, with the stars and with fireworks and everything good. 

“I didn’t know I could do that,” you laughed happily when the words finally made their way into your brain and then down to your tongue. Your ex hadn’t been bad in bed but it had never been anything like that. And you certainly had never orgasmed twice, let alone three times. Your body still trembled and your core ached. Without standing, you were able to tell that your knees would be too weak to keep you upright properly. 

A small part of yourself had been assured that this would be a one-time deal just so you could get your fill and satisfy your libido. But it would be a crime to your womanhood and your own personal happiness not to further pursue him. 

Bucky glanced over at you with a smile. What should he say? Part of him wanted to tell you how long he had been waiting for that moment. A larger part of him wanted to tell you that he loved you. But he refused to ruin that magical confession by telling you after sex - he didn’t want you to think his affections were only fueled by his own sexual gratification because that wasn’t true. So instead, he just replied directly to what you had said. “We could always do it again,” he smiled.

You smiled back and attempted to stand. Yep, you had been right; your knees did feel wobbly. “I think you should buy me dinner first,” you teased. But you were also being serious. It wasn’t like you to just sleep around; meaningful connections were important to you! So if this was going to be a continuous thing, then the least the two of you could do was try dating. 

“Like a date?” Bucky asked and stood. Was it bad that he was kind of turned on by the sight of his seed running down the inside of your leg? He helped you to the bathroom and got you an extra washcloth as you turned on the shower. While he wished you would invite him into the shower with you, you didn’t. Your poor cunt completely ached. It would take a few more romps in the sack for you to be better adjusted to him. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” you blushed. You hadn’t been on a date in years either. And you were terrified. What if you were a total dork? Worst of all, what if it didn’t work out between the two of you? Bucky was your best friend and you were obviously very physically attracted to him. Was there enough between the two of you for romance? You’d never forgive yourself if the two of you ruined the good thing you had going. 

So maybe one date was a good idea. You could see how it felt and test the playing field. Maybe it would be a love connection. Maybe you’d realize that the two of you were better off as friends. But one date would be good. Besides, one date would assure at least one more time fucking. 

“It’s a date then,” Bucky grinned and clapped his hands together. While you showered, he got dressed and left for his room. He had a smile that he couldn’t just wipe from his face. 

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Sam asked him as they passed each other in the hall. He wore a curious, yet concerned, expression - his eyebrow arched high and his lips pursed together. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. But not even Sam was going to ruin his good mood. So Bucky flipped him off and went to take his own shower. Finally, Bucky was going to take the girl he loved on a proper date.


	14. Destiny's Disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your date with Bucky goes very well :) 
> 
> A little more explicit than the last one :))

“Does this look okay?” You asked, stepping out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where Sam was sitting on the edge of your bed. You had dragged the poor guy into your room because you trusted him to be the most honest with you. “God, I feel crazy for stressing out like this. This isn’t me! I’m… I’m confident! Am I making a mistake?” you rambled on, exasperated and nervous. 

“Yes,” he answered simply. He still didn’t think it was a good idea for you to be going on a date with anyone from the team - let alone the Winter Soldier. It was less about his vendetta against his new best friend’s old best friend and more about how protective he felt over you. Someone had to look out for your wellbeing! You were too good for this world!

You snatched a pillow off your bed and hit him with it. “Be nice!” you laughed. 

His bad attitude was fueled by the hour you had held him hostage. Watching your fashion show wasn’t his idea of fun but at least he helped you settle on a modest yet flirty look. Now you were trying to fix your hair and do your makeup. 

You plopped down beside him and leaned your cheek against his shoulder before squeezing his hand. “I’m nervous, Sam,” you whispered. This would be the first date since your ex and the second guy you’d ever gone out with. Since you had been so focused on your education in your youth, you missed out on the whole ‘dating around’ thing that the girls your age in high school did. 

“Well, it’s never too late to back out,” Sam added. You picked up the pillow and whacked him again.

“Stop!” you laughed. “You’re making me more nervous. Do you really think I shouldn’t go?”

Sam sighed and scrunched his face up. “No, I think the guy is fine. I think you can do better but I guess he’s fine if you like him.” You smiled and kissed his cheek. 

“Thanks, Sam.” 

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“Sorry, I feel like I’m being such a freak. I haven’t been on a date in years,” you apologized with a nervous laugh. You’d been rambling on and on without pause. Surely Bucky was regretting asking you to dinner because you were normally so chill and comfortable and, right now, that wasn’t how you were at all. 

“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t been on a date since the forties,” Bucky smiled gently. He was terribly nervous, too. In fact, it was good that you were talking so much because he didn’t know what to say without embarrassing himself. Just another reason that you were the perfect fit for him. 

That did make you feel a little better. “Guess I shouldn’t complain too much then,” you smiled more genuinely and less nervously. Worst case scenario, you left with a full belly and a better understanding of one of your closest friends. Best case scenario, you got to take him home and let him ravage your body again. 

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It was the best case scenario. After the two of you had gotten over the initial uncomfortableness, it became easy and natural. Since you were already friends, the awkward and sometimes dreadfully boring small talk was avoidable. 

The dinner hadn’t been anything incredibly miraculous but it was kind of better that way. You slipped your hand into his and neither of you blushed. His grip was loose and comfortable and his fingers fit around yours like a glove. 

Even when you got back to the Avengers Tower and you knew that being spotted with your hand in his would result in eventual relentless teasing, you held onto him still. “I had a nice night. You can bother me tomorrow,” you declared, passing by Wanda, Natasha, and Steve. Their mockery (while all in lighthearted jest) was not welcome on this most perfect day. 

You pulled Bucky to your room but stopped just outside the door. Turning to face him, you explained, “I’m not the kind of girl who normally invites a man in after the first date, just so you know. But since this morning happened, you might as well come in now.” He just grinned. While he had found your sheepish, bashful self to be endearing and precious, it was the confident, outspoken, self-assured version of you that he was in love with; it was good to have you back. 

As soon as the door clicked close, you threw your arms around his neck and kissed him like you had been waiting all night to do so - truthfully, you had been waiting all night. The faint taste of the chocolate lava cake the two of you had split still lingered on his lips. The cologne he had put on filled your nose and ignited your hormones as if he had boosted his own pheromones instead of just spraying something from a bottle labeled “Oak”. Your favorite part, though, was his freshly shaven skin that was so smooth to the touch; he had remembered how much you stared back in Florida when he had shaved for the first time. 

Your lips traced all over his jawline as he pulled you out of your dress. You pulled him with you as you backed into the bed, slowly as to not completely fall over but enough to knock your knees in so you were sat on the edge of the bed. Before Bucky could join you, you looped your fingers around his belt loops and yanked him in a little closer before you completely undid his belt and pulled down his zipper. 

Bucky’s chest heaved excitedly. Since he was still trying to win your heart, his intention had been to spend the majority of the night pleasuring you. When you flipped the script on him, it was enough to make him dizzy. But he certainly wasn’t complaining. 

You yanked his pants down his ankles and slowly moved your hand over his boxers where he was beginning to twitch and grow. Just because you had only been with one other man before Bucky it didn’t mean you weren’t experienced. When you felt as if you had teased him thoroughly enough, you yanked him boxers down and unleashed his cock. 

He was nearly fully erect but you helped him completely harden by taking him with both of your hands. You inched just a little closer and spit on the head of his member to help lubricate your hands and keep the friction from growing a little too warm. You felt each vein roll against your fingers as you stroked up and down his cock.

“You seem to know what you’re doing,” Bucky smirked happily, taking a handful of your hair into his grip. 

“Do you want me to talk about the blowjobs that I’ve given someone else?” you asked sarcastically and glanced up at him.

“No,” he chuckled. “I do not.” All he wanted was to think about you with him. If it was up to him, he’d make it so you never even remembered being with the bastard that hurt you in the first place. But that wasn’t possible. Besides, the experience you’d gained benefited him greatly. 

“That’s what I thought,” you smirked before slowly opening your mouth. Your tongue curled around the head of his cock and moaned happily. With one hand still around his shaft, you stuck your tongue out even further before allowing just the tip to slide into your mouth. 

You rolled your tongue down his shaft, lubricating him once more with your saliva. You felt yourself growing wet and a heartbeat becoming present between your legs. After teasing him long enough, rotating between licking his shaft and rolling your tongue over his head, you decided to give him the full treatment. 

Keeping your hand curled around his member and moving in unison with your mouth, you took him. His cock sliding past your lips, over your tongue, and nearly to the back of your throat. Once he was moaning more frequently, you dropped your hand so that you could take him entirely. The extra length was enough to have him tickle the back of your throat. 

Your eyes watered and you gagged, pulling back slowly so he didn’t worry about you. He was big, sure, but you could handle him. His grip on your hair tightened which was actually pretty hot. Whether subconsciously or not, he was easing you back down his cock. 

You began to bob your head against him quicker. There was hardly time to come up for air. Your drool dripped from your chin and every time your nose pressed into his abdomen, he moaned a little deeper and you choked a little more. You yanked your head back and gasped for a breath before going right back at it again. 

Bucky was growing nervous because he was about ready to burst at the seams. The magic you worked on him was incredible. But it wouldn’t be fair to you if he finished and you hadn’t. While you did feel a burning in your loins, your only intention currently was to finish him.

The only indication he gave that he was about ready to blow his load, was his breathing which began to increase. His moans turned into grunts and it was decision time. Since you really didn’t want to have to clean anything up, you took him as deep as he’d go. 

As soon as his cock touched your uvula, he came. His seed that didn’t rush down your throat filled your mouth. You pulled away, gasping once again for air as you wiped your mouth clean. Now you were the one that was left a little dizzy. 

Bucky knelt down so that he was eye level with you. You were such a fool not to see in his eyes how much he loved you. But it was easy to confuse love with lust when everyone was half-naked. You smiled as he cupped your face. He used his thumbs to wipe at the mascara and eyeliner that were smeared across your cheeks from your teary eyes. He just smiled. 

“Hold me,” you whispered to him and ran your fingers through his hair. There was something satisfying about being able to please someone else. Maybe not everyone agreed but you were a people-pleaser in a lot of aspects. 

After everything you had just done for him, he would’ve flown to space and lassoed the moon should you have asked. The two of you crawled into bed after he tossed his shirt aside, him completely naked now and you left in the cutesy underwear you had put on. He spooned you from behind, moving your hair aside so he could kiss your neck and your shoulder. 

While you weren’t expecting anything in return - at least not tonight - you weren’t complaining when his left hand moved down your body and dipped into your panties. Oh you really loved what that hand could do. 

Soon enough you were writhing against him, moaning gently and gripping onto his wrist. He rubbed deep circles against your clitoris bringing you to climax without once dipping his fingers into your slit. You smiled and exhaled happily. “I really like this arm,” you hummed. 

You raised your eyebrow and glanced back at him, feeling a different appendage beginning to poke against your backside. “Already?” you asked. Turned out the super soldier serum was good for something else - the refractory period was shorter for him than it was for the average Joe. He just shrugged and smirked.

So you began to roll your waist against his before pulling from his grasp and resting on your hands and knees. “Come on, soldier. Show me what you’ve really got,” you smirked. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Bucky grinned and moved behind you, resting on his knees and taking your hips into his hands. He guided his once-again hard cock into your still wet core and wasted no time in picking up the pace. 

You panted heavily as his body rocked into yours. Each thrust igniting a firework off in your throbbing cunt. Somehow you found the strength to sit up so your back was pressed to his chest - it was a miracle you had any strength at all because he was pounding into you so deeply. His hand moved up around your neck and kept your head pressed back against his shoulder. Oh that was really hot!

Your hand trailed down your body and rubbed against your clit as he kept his steady pace inside of you. Just as you reached your second climax, your walls tightening around his cock and your muscles trembling, Bucky joined in alongside you. You moaned even louder as he filled your core. For a moment, your muscles were contracting so tightly that he was afraid he couldn’t pull out but soon enough you relaxed and collapsed onto your stomach with a lazily smile on your face.

You felt the warmth of a wet towel between your legs as Bucky was careful to actually properly clean you up this time. And then you felt him glide into place beside you, practically laying on top of you because of how close he was. But you didn’t mind. He was safe and warm and he made you happy. “I haven’t been happy like this in a long time,” you whispered to him.

“I haven’t either,” he whispered back and kissed your forehead. He was sure that nothing could ruin this. The two of you were endgame! 

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You had rolled over just before falling asleep so that Bucky was spooning you. So when you woke to his hand around your neck, you figured that he was just ready to get busy again. While you were still pretty sleepy, you wouldn’t mind another go. 

But his grip tightened, his breaths short and steady against your neck indicating he was asleep. As you tried to squirm out of his grasp, it only grew tighter until you couldn’t breathe. You were beginning to panic but you told yourself to breathe. Idiot! You can’t breathe right now! You needed to think clearly regardless of that! You had trained for this!

You used the training you remembered to get leverage against Bucky who was now, in his sleep, trying to climb on top of you, and you flipped him off the bed. He bonked his head against the side table which was certainly enough to wake him up. 

He frowned and rubbed the back of his head. His eyes fluttering open just in time to see you roll backwards off the bed and stand in a defensive position. “Are you awake?” you asked, your voice angry and afraid. 

Bucky squinted and looked at his hands before looking up at you. Already there were signs of bruising around your neck. “Did I do that?” he asked, his voice completely heartbroken and drenched with pain.


	15. Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky hates nothing more than hurting you

“Please stay,” you begged and grabbed Bucky’s hand before he could get out the door. “Please.” Your big, sad eyes were enough to keep him in place but not enough to convince him to crawl back into bed with you. 

“I can’t be sure I won’t hurt you again,” he informed you, his voice dark and full of hate. All of that hate was directed towards himself, making him cave in - nearly ready to implode in on himself. He would never be able to forget the look of fear in your eyes that has since faded. 

“It was just a nightmare. I get it,” you promised and took his metal hand. There was one single moment of hesitation before you pulled it to your cheek. He pulled it away; he hadn’t missed your trepidation. “It’s okay. Bucky. Please just don’t leave me alone.” He’s who you would’ve run to had anyone else done this. There wasn’t a place you felt safer than in his embrace - even now that’s still where you wanted to be. 

Bucky was still unsure but you yanked him back down into the bed and curled into his body. Even if the romance was taken out of the equation, this was your safe space. It was a damn shame it had been tainted even in the slightest but it was still your safe space. He laid on his metal arm, keeping it pinned underneath his body - not that it mattered since he wasn’t going to get any more sleep tonight.

You buried your face in his chest. That had been so traumatic but it was okay. It wasn’t the end of the world and you were still fine. You were also upset that he has to deal with that guilt now, too. If you could take it away, you would. You exhaled silently and slowly and blinked away the tears threatening to pour over because you didn’t want him to be more upset than he already was. Eventually you did fall asleep because he was warm and the adrenaline had drained all of the energy from your body. 

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It was a bad day for the two of you to be sent out on a mission. Bucky was still beating himself up even though you had hid the bruises by covering your neck in some thick cover-up. No need to remind him of what had happened and no need to make everyone else raise their eyebrows. 

It was just you, Bucky, and Steve - Team Super Soldier. You infiltrated a Hydra Base hidden in New Jersey. Everything was going well and according to plan until the harsh, white lights were cut and replaced by flashing red ones. A voice came on over the intercom and a short slur of Russian words were said before there was a ‘click’ indicating the microphone had been sat down. 

“What was that? Are you guys okay?” you asked over your ear piece since the three of you had been split apart. You rammed against the wall and you sank to the floor. You used a variation of a move that Natasha had taught you and a move Bucky had taught you to wrap around your attacker’s legs and bring him to the ground. “Bucky?”

There was a dark emptiness in his eyes and his expression was stoic and almost angry. That wasn’t Bucky. You peeked in through the windows and no one was home. The worst part was now you had to really fight him - there was no waking him up this time. And since he had been the one training with you, you knew you didn’t stand a chance. 

But you had to try. Your best bet was to remain on the defensive until Steve could arrive. But who knew when that would be; when you reached to your ear to call for his help, you realized your earpiece had fallen out. So you scrambled across the floor to snatch it but Bucky snatched you by your hair and threw you further down the hall. 

You came to a stop after rolling enough to make you dizzy. “Bucky, stop. Please,” you begged, hoping that you’d reach some part of him deep inside. But he came stomping over and picked you up by your neck and slammed your head back against the wall. You saw stars. 

Bucky yanked you back to slam you once again but you managed to twist out of his grasp. You gasp for a breath. Defense clearly wasn’t enough. You didn’t want to hurt him but if you didn’t get a little offensive then who knew what would happen. 

But it didn’t matter. Every punch you swung, he blocked. Every kick you kicked, he blocked. Not only that, but he would show you how it was properly done. You were on your hands and knees, spitting blood from your swollen lips. He grabbed you by the collar and yanked you up so he could hit you in the face better again when you pulled out your gun. 

He was going to kill you and you couldn’t die. Your hand trembled as you pointed it straight at his head. But then your body dropped with a heavy thud and hit the ground. You weren’t just seeing stars now, but an entire galaxy. Steve had thrown his shield and it had hit Bucky’s head, knocking him unconscious. 

“Steve,” you whispered before bursting into tears, the gun slipping from your fingers. You didn’t even have the strength to stand but you had to because Steve couldn’t haul both you and Bucky out on his shoulders. Everything was a blur and you ached inside and out. 

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You had passed out somewhere between the Hydra base and the Avengers Tower. When you woke, you were in a hospital bed with a pounding headache. You weren’t sure why, but you had been so certain that Bucky would’ve been by your side when you woke up. But he wasn’t. At least Steve was there. 

“Where’s Bucky?” were the first words to pass through your dry lips when you woke. If he wasn’t here with you, then something must’ve happened to him. Maybe your memory was incorrect and you had shot him. Or maybe Steve’s shield hit him a little too hard in the head. He had to be hurt. 

“He’s fine,” Steve assured you. “He’s probably in his room. He hasn’t come out since we got back and he woke up. He’s fine in that aspect, too, by the way. Hydra activated some hidden trigger words that made him revert back into his Winter Soldier state of mind. But he’s back to normal.”

You nodded slowly and exhaled slowly. Why wasn’t he here then? “I want to see him,” you declared plainly and began to move off the cot. 

“Hold your horses,” Steve said and held your shoulders in place so you wouldn’t go running. “You just woke up and you were knocked around pretty good. You shouldn’t push yourself.” 

“I’m fine,” you said and swatted his hands away. He wasn’t able to convince you to stay nor was he able to tell you to maybe not see Bucky so soon. The only thing he did manage to do was get you dressed and out of the hospital gown. 

You knocked on Bucky’s door without stopping until he opened the door. It was like he was hit by a bus; the air left his lungs, he took a step back, and his eyes were wide enough that it was a miracle they didn’t fall out of his head. He was so shocked to see you that he couldn’t even remark that it was good to see you up and about. He just remained there in the doorway, staring silently. 

It was probably the bruises and cuts on your face that really knocked him off his feet. He hadn’t gone to see you even once because the guilt filled his body like concrete and he didn’t have what it takes to carry that weight. Seeing you now only justified his reasoning in avoiding you. If he could only look at you with guilt, then surely you’d only look at him with blame. 

But you didn’t. “Are you okay?” you asked, your voice hoarse and quivering. It looked like you were ready to cry and Bucky interpreted that as a sign of fear.

“Me? Are you okay?” he asked. He hadn’t been the one beaten into a pulp. That had been you and it was something he’d never forget. He remembered every second of it. Worst of all, he’d never forget the pure terror in your eyes as you pulled a gun on him. He had nearly killed you. Maybe you should’ve taken the shot. 

You nodded which was a bad idea. Steve had been right (as he usually is) and you should’ve stayed in bed a little longer. Colorful dots filled your vision and you swayed on your feet but you were determined to stand. “I’m okay,” you whispered. “Can I come in?” 

Bucky stared at the ground and cleared his throat. “I think you should go back to bed and get rest so you can get better. I don’t think it’s a good idea if I’m around anyone right now,” he said. Especially not around you. It was bad enough that he had choked you because of a nightmare but you could’ve died and he’d have to live with that forever. He’d never let you get close enough that he could hurt you again. He’d admired you from afar before and he’d just have to accept that he’d have to do it again. 

Bucky slowly shut the door and left you alone in the hallway. It took everything you had not to cry. You were hurt and lonely and sad. Bruce found you sulking in the halls and walked you back to the hospital cot where you curled up into a ball and begged to be left alone. 

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Days turned into weeks. After the first couple nights of sleeping in your bed alone, you began to go to Bucky’s room. But his door was always locked. He stopped answering the door when he knew it was you because it was hard to tell you “no” even if he thought it was for your own good. So you had learned how to sleep alone again. 

On the rare occasions you ran into Bucky, you’d smile and approach him but he’d just shut down completely and run away. He was so afraid of killing you that nothing else mattered. 

Sometimes he wondered if he was making a mistake. He loved you and you seemed to have forgiven him even if there was this sad look that seemed to remain in your eyes. It was bad enough that he had physically hurt you; there was no need to continue this emotional hurt either. 

So he decided to at least have a conversation with you. He could explain fully why he thought it was a good idea for him to keep his space and maybe that would make it easier for you to accept that the more space between the two of you there was, the better it would be for you. 

He stopped outside your door before knocking because he heard you speaking on the other side. It sounded like you were nearly ready to cry - if you weren’t already. “- hydra. You have no idea just how terrified I was-”

Bucky pulled his head away from the door when someone came walking down the hall since he didn’t want to get caught eavesdropping. He forced a polite smile to seem inconspicuous. His heart had already sunk well-past his stomach. You were scared of him. And you had every right to be. He put his head back to listen to the end of your statement. 

“- all I can think about is killing him.” Bucky didn’t even need to hear anymore. He walked down the hallway with his hands shoved angrily into his pockets. That had stung. 

He had already been beating himself up over hurting you but to hear you admit that you were so terrified of him that you were picturing killing him? You really hated him that much? He didn’t understand because you had always been such a good, forgiving person. He didn’t blame you even if your admission cut him deeply. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

You smiled to yourself when you knocked on Bucky’s door a few days later with a plate of frosted sugar cookies. The door was cracked open and you peeked your head inside. “Bucky?” your grin slowly fell from your face. “Buck?” He wasn’t in there. So you sat the plate down with a little note and figured you’d check on him later that night. 

But he wasn’t there that night either. “Steve, have you seen Bucky?” you asked him that next morning at breakfast. 

Steve pursed his lips before sighing. “He left, (Y/N). Said he didn’t want to come back until he knew that his mind was completely free of any Hydra programming. He didn’t tell me much,” he said. 

“Oh,” you frowned, your whole demeanor changing. He hadn’t been the same since he had choked you in his sleep. “I guess that’ll be good for him.” You put your empty coffee cup in the sink and excused yourself. 

You bolted out of the room and pulled out your phone, dialing his number. It went straight to voicemail. You called five more times in a row and three more times throughout the day. But he never picked up and he never called back. You could take a hint. It was time to move on.


	16. Months Aparc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky returns home

Eight months had passed. It might as well have been a whole year or a decade because that’s what it felt like. It took eight months for Bucky to find the strength to come home. He felt like his mind was in a better place. Well, it would be more accurate to say that his mind was free from the Hydra programming. He wasn’t necessarily in a better place but that was his own personal issue to deal with. 

The plane ride home was terrible. He was nauseous from the anxiety of seeing everyone again - from seeing you again. He had left without a goodbye which had been hard and unfair but seeing you would’ve made it that much harder to go. He had gotten all of your messages and he had listened to them to have each one memorized - the sound of your voice sometimes being the only thing that got him through each day. 

When he walked back into the Avengers Tower, he was, much to his surprise and relief, greeted warmly. There was a small, intimate party being thrown to celebrate his return. Everyone was there; everyone except for you. Bucky tried to act like it was fine but it hurt not seeing you there. Were you avoiding him? Were you still afraid?

“You looking for (Y/N)?” Natasha came up to Bucky halfway through the party, a martini glass pinched between her fingers. The party was for him but he had been sulking off to the side the whole time. 

Bucky glanced over and didn’t say anything. He wasn’t in the mood to confess that he was but he also knew he couldn’t lie to her and get away with it. “She’s not avoiding you, you know. She doesn’t live in the tower anymore.”

He snapped his head to the side and furrowed his eyebrows. “Why? Did something happen?” his voice was laced with a concern that he couldn’t hide. 

Natasha smiled a little sadly - no, sympathetically. “She’s dating someone. She moved in with him a few weeks ago. He lives in upper Manhattan so she still comes in to use her lab just about every day. But she’s not here anymore,” she explained. “That’s where she is. On a dinner date for their six-month anniversary.” 

Bucky felt like he was about to fall apart. You were with someone else. And it must be serious for you to have moved in with him so soon. It’s not like he expected to come back and run straight into your arms but it still hurt to see that you moved on so quickly. And now you were gone - slipped right through his fingers. 

“Is she, um. . . how did they. . .” Bucky couldn’t find the words as they clogged his throat, making it even hard to breathe. 

“She seems happy,” Natasha answered and sipped on her martini. “They went to college together, I guess. They reconnected soon after you left.” She placed a hand on his arm and offered one more sympathetic smile before parting ways. It was clear that this information was a lot for him to swallow and he needed time to digest it. 

Maybe he had made a mistake. Now it felt like he had really lost you for good. 

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It seemed like Bucky was always missing you. He’d step foot into the gym and find the water bottle you’d left behind, still dripping from the sweat of melting ice. He’d enter the kitchen and find your coffee mug in the sink, still warm from the hot water you used to rinse it out. He’d walk past your lab and see your desktop open, the screensaver not yet activated. Worst of all, he’d sometimes catch a whiff of your perfume when he’d enter a room you just left. 

It’s not like you had been avoiding him on purpose; your paths just hadn’t crossed yet. One thing you weren’t doing, though, was actively seeking him out. You had learned your lesson the first time; he clearly didn’t want to see you before so why would he want to see you now? It wasn’t like Bucky was actively seeking you out either. 

Almost two weeks passed before the two of you finally crossed paths. It was well past midnight and you were still holed up in your lab. Sitting at your desk with headphones in, you expected to have the rest of the night to yourself in peace. So when you saw a shadow in the corner of your eye, you whipped around and held your fists up. 

You sighed and rolled your eyes. “Nearly gave me a heart attack,” you muttered under your breath. You hadn’t expected anyone to be up let alone wandering around the labs. 

“Sorry,” Bucky apologized and jammed his hands in his pockets before leaning against the doorframe. “Couldn’t sleep so I was just wandering around… I’m back by the way,” he chuckled uncomfortably. He hadn’t been expecting to see you tonight so he didn’t feel prepared to face you. 

“Yeah… yeah, I heard something about that,” you cleared your throat and swiveled back and forth in your chair. You also felt unprepared to face him after all of this time. “You look good.” He better look good considering the amount of time he took off to fix himself. 

“So do you,” Bucky replied. He sighed and pushed off of the doorframe. He wasn’t ready to leave yet, though. In his time gone, he had never stopped loving you. Seeing you now just reminded him of everything he had missed and what he had lost. He had truly meant it when he said that you were the one for him. 

“What’re you doing here so late?” he asked and moved into the lab. He didn’t necessarily feel welcome but, for whatever reason, he couldn’t leave. He tried peeking over your shoulder but he never really understood all of this science stuff. 

“Guess I couldn’t sleep either,” you replied quietly and turned back to your computer. He could stay or he could go but you were working. Except that you could hardly focus and it was a miracle you hadn’t drifted off already. Bucky was able to deduce that from the four different empty coffee mugs on your desk. 

“Why don’t you just go home and at least rest. I’ll call you a cab,” Bucky offered. Clearly you needed sleep. You had always slept more comfortably in the arms of someone else. Then it dawned on him why you had moved in with your new boyfriend so soon: you were desperate to be held. He had gotten you hooked on the feeling; without it, you had felt empty and alone for months. 

You shook your head and tried to take another sip of coffee but your mug was empty. With a sigh, you popped your earbuds back in. “I’m fine. I don’t… I’m fine,” you whispered. You didn’t want to go home. 

Bucky leaned against your desk and looked down at you. It wasn’t his place anymore to ask why you were really here so late and why you didn’t want to go home. But he still cared for you. “Then crash in your old room for the night. No need to fall asleep at your desk,” he said gently. 

You pursed your lips and yanked your earbuds back out again. “I can’t,” you told him firmly. “It’d be… That would be me accepting defeat.” You wouldn’t look him in the eyes; you hadn’t since he had made his way near you. 

“Defeat?” 

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose. He really didn’t have any right to poke around in your business; so why was it still so easy to talk to him even after everything that had happened? “Why am I so bad at love?” you asked with a sarcastic, disdainful laugh. “I really know how to pick ‘em don’t I?”

Bucky frowned. His concern for you currently outweighed the guilt you just shouldered onto him yet again. “What do you mean, (Y/N)? What happened?” he asked. 

It was stupid but you were ready to cry but you mustered the strength to contain yourself. “Um, I don’t think it’s going to work out… between me and my new boyfriend,” you confessed sadly, your voice threatening to break. Bucky’s hand twitched to rub your back but he decided it was best if he didn’t touch you. 

“What is it about me? What’s wrong with me?” you asked and finally looked up at him with tears in your eyes. 

His heart just about shattered into a thousand little shards. That look was enough to make a grown man weep. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he promised, his voice soft and delicate.

You shook your head. “No,” you disagreed. “My fiance tried stealing my work and kidnapping me. My new boyfriend decided that he can hardly tolerate me anymore. You ran away after just a date.” 

Bucky finally reached out and took your hand, just with his flesh one so as not to scare you with his metal one. “I didn’t leave because of anything you did. You’re perfect, (Y/N). In every conceivable way, you are perfect,” he informed you and he meant every word. 

You used your free hand to dab at your eyes before the tears could roll down your cheek. “Oh yeah?” you asked, the disbelief laced between each word. “Why’d you ignore my calls? Why’d you leave without saying goodbye?” 

Bucky sighed and rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb. “(Y/N), leaving was hard but I had to come back as a man that you weren’t afraid of,” he said. “I couldn’t live knowing I terrified you.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed tightly together and you pulled your head back in confusion. “What? Why would you think I was afraid of you?” you asked. It was your turn to drown in guilt. It was from how you looked at him, wasn’t it? You had looked at him with fear but it wasn’t because you were scared of him. 

“I heard you say it. When you were talking to Steve, you told him you were afraid of me and that you thought about killing me,” Bucky reminded you. It was a conversation that he could never forget. He still had scars from overhearing that. 

It took a moment for you to even realize just what he was talking about. You yanked your hand out of his, your confused expression quickly turning to anger. “You eavesdropped on me?” you asked, the anger laced with hurt. “That’s not… I didn’t…” 

You stood from your chair, basically kicking it out from underneath you, and paced around the room. After running a hand through your hair, you turned to face him. “You think I’m weak, too,” you realized. Hadn’t that been your first confession to him? That you hated how weak everyone assumed you were. And here, he had spent nearly a year thinking you were some terrified damsel. He didn’t even confront you about what he had thought he heard. 

“That’s not-”

You didn’t give him time to explain himself. You absolutely didn’t want to hear it. So you pointed to the door and demanded, “Get the fuck out of my lab.”

“(Y/N),” Bucky pleaded.

“Get out!” you screamed. He had never heard you get angry like that. He had never heard you swear like that either, not with such anger. It upset him deeply. But he left without saying another word. He didn’t even know what he did wrong. What had he misinterpreted? What else could you have possibly meant?

As he walked away, he heard your quiet sobs chase him down the hallway. If there had been a small chance of winning you back before, it was certainly gone now.


	17. A Different Kind of Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky doesn't like how mad you still are at him

Now it seemed like Bucky couldn’t avoid you. Any room he entered, you were already there. Often, you’d excuse yourself and leave the room. He took it upon himself to just start leaving before you could get up half of the time. Bucky felt desperately alone, even when he was in the company of others; it was never a good feeling to have someone actively avoiding him, especially when that someone was the person he cared about most: you. 

“What did you do to her?” Wanda finally asked, everyone turning to face him after you left the room. You wouldn’t talk about it and that was unlike you. You were never one to run from a problem or avoid someone; he must’ve done something major to make you shut down like this. 

But Bucky didn’t want to talk about it either. He knew what he had said and how you had taken it and why it hurt you. He still didn’t know what you had told Steve, then, because he felt like he should be justified in feeling upset, too. 

One day, Bucky entered the gym to find you there already. You were dripping in sweat and absolutely pounding on a punching bag. Even after you realized that he had entered the gym, you remained; he went off on his own anyway. 

You absolutely drilled into the bag, sending it off the hook and flying across the room. It slid all the way to where Bucky was. “I’ve got it,” you said but he was already leaned over and picking it up. “I’ve got it,” you repeated, this time more firmly. 

“It’s fine, I’ve already got it,” Bucky assured you. Since the chain was already in his hand, he could pop it back up on the hook for you. 

You weren’t in the mood. So you squatted down and knocked his feet out from underneath him. You easily maneuvered the chain out of his hand and then pinned his head down by resting your knee against his neck. 

Well, damnit if he didn’t find that to be the most attractive thing he had ever seen. He had spent the last few weeks trying not to think about you - at least, not in the way that he used to. It was just hard not to especially when he still loved you and still had the mental image of your lips around his cock. That wasn’t something he could just forget. 

“You’ve gotten better,” he remarked gently, hoping that the compliment would disarm you. He was honestly shocked by how well you had handled yourself. 

“Fuck off.” You snatched the bag up and hung it back up yourself. The moves and potential had always been there; now you just knew how to properly use them and combine them. Now you knew how to better disarm someone so that you didn’t need to draw your weapon so soon. There hadn’t been that much improvement but you weren’t surprised he thought so. Everyone seemed so surprised that you could handle yourself adequately.

You put earbuds in and began wailing on the punching bag. What you really wanted right now was to spar with Bucky and show him what you were really made of. You had always been afraid of hurting him, even when he had gone into Winter Soldier mode. But now you weren’t so afraid. But you knew he thought you were just scared so he’d never take you up on the offer.

Bucky sat up and watched you a moment. It was still strange and uncomfortable hearing you speak to anyone - especially to him - with such malice. He couldn’t have really hurt you that bad, could he have?

He was tired of this relationship. He was tired of seeing you so unlike yourself. So he swallowed his pride and approached you. If he could at least make it so that the two of you could get along and be in the same room, then he would feel like he helped put you back on the right track. 

“Looks like you’ve smoothed things over with your boyfriend,” he said. You left every night and came back around lunch every day; so you must be going home at night. 

“What?” you snapped impatiently and pulled your earbuds out. Did he really think you looked like you wanted to talk right now?

“Did things get better with your boyfriend?” he asked. 

“I really don’t see how that’s your concern,” you remarked and began to put your earbud back in. Where had the girl who was always so open gone? Bucky grabbed your wrist before you could close him out again. 

But he didn’t even get to ask you why you were still so mad at him because you had flipped him onto his back. If that’s how it was going to be, then fine. However good you were, he knew that you still didn’t have the amount of training that he did. He grabbed you by the back of your shirt and flipped you over beside him, your body hitting the ground with a hard thud. Bucky winced at the sound; he really didn’t want to hurt you again. 

You growled and lunged at him. He was going to be more gentle with you but not so gentle that you thought he was taking it easy on you because he didn’t want to further insult you. He caught you as you jumped towards him and tossed you past him. You rolled onto your feet and held your fists up. 

Bucky was refusing to make the first move. Fine. You moved in towards him again once he got to his feet. You threw a few punches that he blocked before you got a clean hit to his jaw. He rolled his jaw and felt the faint acidic taste of blood on his tongue from where he had bit his cheek. 

“You’re holding back,” you hissed. “Fucking fight me.” You flexed your fingers before forming fists again. The knuckles on your left hand ached from making contact with his face; it was the good kind of ache, though, like the soreness between your legs after being completely pounded down by his dick. This felt more satisfying right now, though. “Coward.”

Bucky frowned. He’d been called a lot of things so names didn’t really get to him. What he was sick of was being treated like this by you; you were the one person who never made him feel small and that’s all you did anymore. So if you wanted a fight, if that’s what it took to get you to lighten up, then fine. 

Whether you’d admit it or not, you had gotten better and he could tell. You were holding your own far better than you had when he attacked you at that Hydra base. Of course, you hadn’t wanted to hurt him then whereas you did now and you had an extra eight months of training since that day. 

You’d get a hit in, but he’d then get in two. It didn’t discourage you; in fact, it felt invigorating and you felt encouraged to work harder to beat his ass. Just as you thought you had him beat, he pinned you to the ground with another heavy thud. Your face was swollen, your body bruises, and there were stars in your vision. His knee was heavy on your chest and you couldn’t budge. 

“Why are you so angry at me?” Bucky asked. He’d let you go and he’d leave you alone as soon as he got a real answer. “Don’t give me the bullshit about not trusting you because I just fought you fair and square.” He had proven to you just now that he thought you could hold your own because he had only held back just enough not to kill you; so you couldn’t hold that over his head anymore. 

You wiggled under his knee and smacked at his leg but the adrenaline was quickly escaping your body leaving you weak and tired. “Fuck, just get off of me!” you shouted, angry tears falling down your cheeks. You’d blame it on the humiliation that accompanied losing. 

“Just tell me why you’re acting like this!” Bucky yelled back at you. You hadn’t been the same since he got back and, even if he had made it temporarily worse, he was going to get you back to normal. You deserved to go back to normal and be happy. 

Your arms fell to your sides and you gave up trying to get him off of you; simply, you were exhausted and disappointed that you weren’t as strong as you thought you were. You finally completely burst into tears and you covered your face with your hand though it did very little to hide your sobs. 

“You left me,” you cried. “You left without a word and I thought you hated me. You wouldn’t talk to me or call me. I thought you hated me.” How many nights had you cried yourself to sleep because you thought he hated you because you had pulled your gun on him? How many meals did you skip or throw back up because your stomach was knotted from the guilt and shame? You didn’t even know where he was or if he was still alive or okay the whole time he was gone. 

Bucky moved off of your chest and plopped down beside you. “(Y/N)...” he whispered. He had no idea you had blamed yourself so heavily for him leaving. While what he had overheard had helped him decide to go, he had done it for what he thought was your own good. 

“And then you come back and say those things. And it’s just not working out at home,” you words were becoming more and more incoherent. You sniffled and sat up. When he tried to take your hand and pat your back, you stood up and shook your head. 

After regaining your composure, or at least calming down enough to more properly articulate your thoughts, you informed him. “I’m going home. Please, just leave me alone.” You grabbed your water bottle and promptly left the gym, still wiping your eyes. 

Bucky fell backwards and pinched the bridge of his nose. Maybe making you bring everything up hadn’t been the best course of action. He STILL wasn’t sure what you had said the night he left. It felt like you had almost told him, too. At this point, he wasn’t sure if the two of you would ever be in a place where you’d feel safe and comfortable telling him. 

He royally fucked up - if that hadn’t been clear enough before.


	18. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You clear the air

You splashed your face with cold water to cool off your skin, heated from crying. When you stood straight, you saw a man’s reflection so you whipped around. “You shouldn't be in here,” you said to Bucky who had eventually tracked you down. 

“Please, just let me say what I need to say and then I’ll go,” he promised you. You crossed your arms and he continued before you could object. “I never meant to hurt you like that. I thought you were scared of me and so I ran away. I ran without saying goodbye because one look at you and I would’ve been too weak to leave.”

You turned your head to the side and remained silent so he could finish. “(Y/N), you’re perfect. I could never hate you. In every conceivable way, you are perfect.” He slowly took a few steps closer to you. “And I am so sorry that I made you feel less than what you are.” 

There. Bucky could never live knowing you thought little of yourself. He’d never hate you; there was nothing in the world that could make that happen. It had taken everything he had not to tell you that he loved you and had always loved you. But it hadn’t been appropriate to say it before and it definitely wasn’t a good time to say it now. 

With a sigh, you closed the space between the two of you and wrapped your arms around his neck. “I’m sorry, too. I should’ve been open from the start and it never would’ve ended like this,” you said. 

Bucky held onto you so tight. His arms had felt empty for so long and you filled them perfectly. “You never have to apologize,” he whispered. It was noble that you were always so apologetic but you took more blame onto your plate than you needed to. If he had been the honest one from the start, then he never would have needed to leave and he never would’ve hurt you. 

You looked up at him and he looked down at you. He could feel your heart beating through your chest and against his. His lips tingled with anticipation and his head leaned down ever so slightly - desperate for the smallest taste of your lips. You began to lean up, too, until you realized what you’re doing. 

“I’m still with someone else,” you whispered and pulled out of his grasp, leaving his arms feeling empty; you, yourself, were left cold and alone as well. “Thank-you, Bucky.” You managed a smile for him and so he offered the same in return. 

Things still weren’t perfect nor were they back to the way they were. But at least they were better. Even if just by a little bit. 

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When he entered a room, you no longer left. Everyone noticed that you were back to your normal self and all seemed to be well. As far as everyone knew, you were still happily dating your new boyfriend while coming to the Tower to mingle, work in the lab, and use the gym. 

Bucky was the first to discover that you had moved back into the tower. He didn’t know when it had happened but he had a sneaking suspicion that you had been back for awhile. At first, he had caught you sneaking into your old bedroom but, since it had been so late, he figured you were just too tired to make it home. 

Then he noticed you sneaking out right before sunrise. Surely you had only gotten a couple hours of sleep (not that he could judge since he was back to hardly sleeping anymore). He didn’t decide to approach you until a few nights later, when he caught you alone and out on the balcony with a bottle of Asgardian ale in your hand; it came from your secret stash for emergencies. 

“Care if I join you?” he asked. You just glanced up at him from your spot on a bench before staring back out at the city as you pulled your legs up to your chest. It got chilly at night, even in the summer. 

Bucky sat down beside you and you silently offered him the bottle. He shook his head and so you took a swig instead. “You know, there’s no shame in just moving back. No one would judge you,” Bucky said. 

Your nose twitched and you took another swig. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you lied. You didn’t often lie but you also hadn’t expected him to know what he knew. 

He sighed, “One of these days, you’ll fall apart from not getting enough sleep. I know you’re sneaking in late and sneaking back out early.” No need to beat around the bush. 

“You haven’t fallen apart,” you said, knowing full well that if he saw you sneaking into your room and sneaking back out then he wasn’t sleeping much either. 

“A big assumption on your part,” Bucky chuckled. What made you so certain that he hadn’t fallen apart? Maybe it was because he was already so broken that there weren’t really any pieces left to lose. 

“I already told you I can’t come back,” you reminded him quietly. Technically you already had come back. But it didn’t feel official since you were sneaking around and not staying long. It would be another reminder of your failure in romance. 

“What happened between the two of you?” Bucky asked. He couldn’t imagine anyone having any feasible reason to break up with you. The only reason he had left you was for your own protection and had nothing to do with you personally. 

You laughed disdainfully and took a longer drink from the bottle. Being drunk would help you get through the rest of the night. “I had a hard time trusting him. He got tired of putting up with my paranoia,” you replied quietly without going into too much detail. 

Bucky got quiet. It must be because he had left you and made you feel hated. You must’ve been afraid that your new boyfriend would leave and hate you, too. The familiar guilt came creeping back in and, at this point, he welcomed it warmly; it was a sensation he had grown so accustomed to (it was a miracle he could still feel shame). “I’m sorry,” he apologized quietly. 

You scrunched your nose and looked over. “Why are you apologizing? You didn’t ruin that relationship,” you snorted. Then it dawned on him. You were comparing your new man to your old fiance. 

“Where you afraid he was using you for your work?” he asked, afraid he was getting close to pushing his boundaries. But he had done that so many times that what was one more? 

“Do you want to know what I was talking to Steve about on the night you left without saying goodbye?” you asked and sat the bottle down forcefully. Bucky felt bad because it seemed he had gotten you a little worked up. 

He nodded because he desperately wanted to know what he had supposedly misheard. “I was so afraid that I was going to kill you,” you admitted to him. “I wasn’t scared of you. I thought that it would come down to your life and mine. I thought I would have to kill you like I killed my ex.”

“(Y/N)...” Bucky couldn’t believe he had taken just the beginning of your statement and turned it into a pity party for himself. No wonder you thought he hated you during his months away. 

You kept going. “You wouldn’t see me and I kept having these nightmares. The only thing playing over and over in my mind was killing my ex. And the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that it was your face in my nightmares and it was you I kept killing over and over. I was terrified and I hated myself.” 

You wiped your eyes and sniffled before laughing to hide the pain. Your shaky hands picked up the bottle and you finished it off. Part of you wanted to recklessly chuck the glass bottle off the ledge and let the shards shatter below but you were too responsible to do that so you just rolled your thumb over the opening, still wet from your lips and from the ale. 

Bucky wrung his hands together. It was pretty selfish of him to think that he had been the only one with real nightmares and trauma that he had to relive. He knew what it was like to have the ghosts of people he’d kill come haunt him. But he had never had to kill anyone he loved before. 

“So yeah,” you sighed and stood up to stretch out your back. “I was so anxious that something would happen and I’d have to kill my boyfriend that I scared him off. Wasn’t meant to be I guess. I just don’t think I’m ready to face that yet.”

Bucky caught your arm before you moved inside and out of the cold. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, (Y/N). Really, I am. If it’s any consolation, he didn’t deserve you. No one does.” 

You laughed gently. “You know, everyone keeps saying that and I’m starting to think I really am going to be alone forever.” Everyone meant it in the best way possible - a compliment to how pure and good you were. Sometimes it felt like the opposite, even if you understood their intentions. 

“Good night, Bucky,” you whispered and moved inside.

“Good night, (Y/N),” he replied and sighed once the door shut behind you. He hoped he convinced you to move back to the tower but a part of him was afraid you were just going to get sneakier about sleeping here. Maybe now that things were done with you and your now-ex, he still stood a chance - even after all of the damage he had caused.


	19. The Prodigal Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky works on moving on and being happy for you

Things went back to the way they used to be. Or at least, they were closer to normal than they were before. Bucky often found himself missing the intimacy that the two of you had shared even before dating. You had no problems holding conversations with him but there wasn’t a closeness anymore. Gone were the nights where you’d crawl up beside him for his warmth or brush your hand across his back as you moved past him. But at least you were friendly with him again so he’d take what he could get. 

Bucky noticed that you hadn’t moved back into your room and he was worried you were sleeping behind a desk in your lab or, worse, on some park bench outside. You normally weren’t so prideful! So he asked you at breakfast one morning, “Where are you staying, (Y/N)?” He just wanted to make sure you were safe and taken care of. 

“I actually smoothed things out with my boyfriend,” you confessed, a bashful smile and blush on your face. You were embarrassed for the over-dramatic way you had acted. “So I’m back home.”

Bucky sank into his seat but forced a smile for your sake. “Good. Good, I’m glad. You deserve to be happy,” he said. He really didn’t think that that guy was good enough for you but at least you were safe and you seemed happier again. It was just a damn shame that he wasn’t the one to make you happy. 

“Thanks,” you grinned and pulled out your phone before scooching in closer to him to show off a few pictures. Bucky stiffened at your touch when your arm brushed against his. There it was - that touch he craved. Had he always been so awkward when you touched him? Time had really turned him bashful again. 

You flipped through a couple pictures of you two beautiful gowns. “We’re going to this gala tonight. He’s supposed to get this really prestigious science award. It comes with this giant grant and everything. I don’t know if I like the blue or the silver dress better,” you rambled. 

Bucky was swooning all over again at the sight of you all dressed up. In the pictures, you didn’t even have your hair or makeup done but you still looked jaw-droppingly beautiful. He cleared his throat nervously. “The blue one,” he answered. “You always looked nice in blue.” Of course, you looked good in everything but he thought the blue dress itself was more beautiful. 

“Thanks, Buck,” you said and pat his hand before heading to your lab. There was a little bit of work you were going to squeeze in before heading home and going to the gala. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Bucky’s phone chimed and he opened a text from you. “Blue was a good choice.” There was a picture attached of you all dolled up and smiling in the dress. He smiled sadly and cursed himself for not remembering how to screenshot a picture. He wanted to save this picture of you so happy forever. 

Bucky ended up on the balcony where you had poured your heart out to him just a week earlier. He had a beer bottle in hand that he pretended was the Asgardian Ale - he wished he could be drunk right now. Sam came up beside him with his own beer. “You think she’s happy?” Bucky asked him.

“With that douchebag?” Sam made a face and shrugged. “I guess so. I think the only reason she’s with him is because she realized she hated being alone. She’s got you to thank for that.” Sam had always tried to keep you away from men who gave him a bad feeling; if it was up to Sam, you’d only be allowed to date someone like Ghandi - someone wholly good and unproblematic. 

Bucky clenched his jaw and ran his tongue over the front of his teeth. “I just want her to be safe and to be happy,” he admitted quietly. 

Sam sighed. “You should’ve stayed, man. In the whole two days or whatever you were dating, it’s probably the happiest I had ever seen her,” he said and knocked his beer back. Sam had always known that Bucky would hurt you but he never expected him to make you so happy either. Even before the two of you had started dating, you talked about him and spent so much time around him. You had been oblivious to how much Bucky cared for you; but Bucky hadn’t realized how strongly you had felt for him either. Since you were nice to everyone, he just assumed that every nice thing you had done for him you would’ve done for anyone else when that hadn’t been wholly true. 

Bucky shook his head. If it was possible for himself to feel anymore regret and self-hatred then he did. How many different chances had you offered him and how many times had he royally screwed up? Now you were at a fancy party with a man who was far more intelligent than him and had never tried to kill you and had never left you for months without a single word. 

“Well as long as she’s happy now,” Bucky said and threw his bottle off the balcony which was, besides being illegal, reckless and dangerous. He really didn’t care. He just wanted to be alone so he could sulk some more so he turned in for the night. 

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

He tossed and turned all night but, like always, had a hard time sleeping. So he was already awake when there was a small, nearly silent knock at the door. He rubbed his eyes and shuffled over to the door. The last person he expected to see was you but there you stood in your blue gown with your hair disheveled and mascara stains on your cheeks. 

“Can I stay with you?” you whispered and stared down at the floor. It was taking everything in you not to burst into tears again so Bucky invited you in without another word. When you were ready to talk about it, he knew that you would. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. He just wanted to make sure that you weren’t physically hurt. 

That felt like a loaded question so you chose not to answer it. Instead you asked, “Can you help me?” You turned around and showed him that your arms couldn’t bend far enough back to unzip your dress alone. So he gently pulled your zipper down to your waist, catching just a glimpse of the undergarments you had on underneath. 

“Can you get the necklace?” you added and moved your hair aside. Your hands were shaky from crying and the clasp was small so it had kept slipping from your fingers. Bucky delicately removed the chain and sat it on the dresser. You kicked off your heels as he did so. 

Without another word, you crawled into his bed and curled into a ball. You shut your eyes and exhaled slowly, already feeling more at ease. Bucky watched you sadly before laying down on his side of the bed. His intention had been to give you space, but the moment his head hit the pillow, you were pressed against his body with your head resting in the crook of his neck. 

Bucky slipped his arm around your smooth skin. Didn’t you realize that you were in your underwear? He definitely realized. 

Your hand found his and you squeezed it tightly. “It’s over,” you whispered. “It’s definitely over now.” Bucky rested his cheek against the top of your head. He wanted to ask what had happened but it didn’t matter. You were here now and he’d make sure that you got through the night knowing you were held and cared for. 

“It’s going to be okay,” he promised you quietly. You sighed gently and completely relaxed in the familiar feeling of his arms. You had missed him as much as he had missed you. Surely he could realize that now - especially taking into consideration everything Sam had said earlier. Maybe he hadn’t screwed up quite as badly as he thought because here you were. 

Sleep came quickly for both of you. For the first time in months, the two of you found rest. All it took was for you to be held and for him to have someone to hold.


	20. Truly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End <3 Short but Sweet <3

“Good morning.” 

“Morning,” you whispered back and gently caressed Bucky’s cheek. He looked down at you with a soft gaze that you didn’t dare look away from. It had always given you a pleasant, tingly feeling when he looked at you like that. 

Bucky wasn’t sure where he stood with you anymore. It was just nice to have you here in his arms now. He brushed the hair out of your face and that familiar tingle returned to his lips - he wanted to kiss you so desperately.

Maybe you heard his thoughts or maybe you felt that same tingle in your own lips. Your eyes finally moved from his gentle blue ones down to his lips. So you slowly closed the distance. Bucky didn’t want to just be a rebound but he also needed to satiate his craving. There were sparks - no, that wasn’t enough - there were fireworks. It was the Fourth of July and New Year’s Day all at once. 

He sat up and pulled you flush against him while you wrapped your arms more tightly around his neck, deepening the kiss and pushing your tongue into his mouth. Bucky only faltered when you grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled it off over his head, your hands greedily taking in every inch of his skin. 

“Wait,” he whispered, surprising even himself. He cursed himself out - he was risking what could be his last chance to touch you by putting himself out on the line where he’d likely be rejected. “(Y/N), I love you. If we’re going to do this, I need to know we’re going to give us another shot.” His heart just couldn’t handle it if you were using him for rebound sex. 

You pulled away and rested your hands in your lap. That was a lot to take in, especially first thing in the morning. “You don’t love me. We only went on one date,” you said quietly. There was no mockery in your voice (which was a relief), but there was a lot of confusion. 

“I’ve loved you from the moment we met and I’ve loved you every single second since. I love you, (Y/N). I love you, I love you,” he confessed and took your hand into his, kissing your fingers and your palm. 

“You don’t have to say it back. But please tell me that I didn’t ruin everything and that we can try again,” he begged and looked you deep in the eyes. He had learned his lesson and he would make sure you knew how valued you were. 

“(Y/N), I love you. I never should have left you. You are perfect and I’d spend the rest of my life making you sure never forgot that if you’d only let me.”

“Okay,” you whispered near silently and nodded. Your eyes welled with tears that you wiped away with a giddy, girlish laugh. You leaned in and pressed your lips to his again. Strangely enough, he had felt like your endgame after that first date. A small part of you warned you that this was dangerous and that you could get hurt again but what was love without a little risk? 

“Okay?” he grinned.

“Okay,” you repeated and pressed in for a deeper kiss. Being with him made you feel happy and safe and, now you knew for sure, loved. You felt silly for not realizing sooner that he loved you because it seemed so clear now. 

Bucky tried to keep his cool but he couldn’t help but smile against your lips. His hands moved back around your body and unhooked your bra. He took your breast into the palm of his left hand as his right hand worked on inching his pajama pants and underwear down.

You helped him move it past his knees before taking his shaft into your hand to get him ready for you. Your lower lip got caught between his teeth as you leaned back and breathed excitedly. Once he was hard, you moved your panties to the side because you couldn’t spare even two seconds to inch them down your legs. 

He held his cock in his hand while you balanced yourself by holding his shoulders before sinking down onto his length. You moaned gently and leaned your forehead against his before kissing him again. He was a drug and you were a junkie who kept going back for more. 

Ever so slowly, you sank down to take his entire length. You rolled your hips against his, your chest pressed to his. The closeness and intimacy filling you with a glow that lit even the darkest recesses of your being. There was something great about being completely ravished but this tenderness was a whole different kind of magic. 

“Fuck,” Bucky whispered and grabbed your ass. He bucked up against you and breathed heavily against your smile. The two of you were one. Every breath you breathed, you shared with him. Your gasps and his sighs mixed into a singular sound. There was hardly a gap between your bodies. The only time the kiss was broken was when one of you needed to come up for air. 

Your walls had stretched to accommodate to his size but as you rushed across the finish line, they tightened and pulsed against his already throbbing cock. The extra pressure was enough to push him to his own climax. His grip on your back tightened and you dug your fingers into his shoulder as, with one last thrust, he came inside of you. 

It took just a moment for you to move off of him, letting him still rest inside of you while you let the stars fade from your vision. Your lips were completely numb but you didn’t want to stop kissing him. “Tell me again that you love me,” you whispered to him.

Bucky smiled and tucked your hair back. “I love you,” he said and pecked your lips between each word. You smiled. Sure, you had been in love before but no one had really loved you before. The glow inside of you grew brighter until you were nothing less than the physical embodiment of the sun. 

“Say it again,” you asked him and pressed your forehead against his. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” Bucky repeated slowly. “I have always loved you and I will always love you. I love you.”

You couldn’t contain the tears anymore. You laughed as the happy tears poured down your cheeks. “One more time,” you asked of him.

“I love you.”

The feeling had been there a long time. You had meant it before when you told him that you thought you had to be in love to sleep with someone. Maybe you had just been fooling yourself before but there had been feelings there for him for a very long time. How had you been so blind?

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this little story! I had a lot of fun writing it <3 If there's anything you want to see, let me know - if not, I'll see y'all around the next time inspiration hits :)


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